


Quiet

by Augustine01189



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Bandom - Freeform, Gay, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Gore, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-28
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2018-08-18 08:31:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 29,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8155744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Augustine01189/pseuds/Augustine01189
Summary: Tyler is a quiet boy who spends his time in the ceramics studioJosh is a brash basketball player who needs another activity They say opposites attract





	1. Quiet

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work here, I'm adding it from my Wattpad account. (same username) More notes at the end! There will not be any character death or anything like that, just a little gore.

+mild gore and slur warnings+

I like how quiet it is here, nothing can disturb me when I'm surrounded by clay. The teacher likes me here, even though I never say much. Although I always turn in my assignments on time and I never cause trouble in class.

I sit there, my twitching hands covered in dried clay. I've just put another piece, a tea pot, into the kiln to be fired. Now I have to glaze a cup I've made for my mother. The last one I made, I dropped, because someone made a loud noise and it startled me.

My mother likes blue, so I glaze it in blue, though the paint looks grey right now. My hands shake as I add stripes of different hues. Sometimes the lines are uneven, so I get frustrated and have to stop for a few minutes.

"Tyler?" The teacher calls out, making me wince. I don't like when people address me by name. It's not my name. Plenty of other people are named Tyler Joseph. "Tyler you have to go, honey, school got out twenty minutes ago."

I silently stand up, wrap the cup in a plastic bag, and leave the room, waving goodbye to the teacher (who's name I don't know). I don't bring a bag to school, I have everything I need in my sweatshirt pocket, which is basically my phone, and a pair of earbuds.

On my walk home, since I missed the bus, which I usually do on purpose, I play back a song I had been working on the night before. The audio completely sucked, which was expected, since I don't have a studio or decent mics.

I've called the song Forest because well, I spend too much time in the woods behind my house. It offers me so much inspiration, for my music, and pottery. The forest also represents the things I don't know about myself, and the things I don't know about the world, which is a lot.

I get to my front porch and hear yelling from inside. It's Zack and my mom. I hate yelling. It's too loud and it makes my head buzz. Everyone always remembers not to tell around me since I'll need to spend the day in my room if someone shouts.

I don't want to go inside. I go around the house, running my hand on the chipping paint as I pass. Then I watch the old rusted swing set for a few minutes. None of my siblings or I have used it since we were children. I don't like it now, it smells like metal and melancholy. You can't tell what color it originally was, but I remember that it was red and white.

I pass the swings and follow the small trail into the woods. There's this one tree that I sit in for hours. Sometimes I'm so still and quiet that birds will come and sit with me, though that's usually not the case. I twitch too much for the birds to trust me.

I get to my tree and climb it quickly. I've done it hundreds of times now. I know every little thing there is to  
know about this tree. I even know it's exact color, which I used to make a set or bowls for the family. Most of the dishes in the house are made by me now. At first my parents loved it, now I think they're bored. I just don't know how to do anything else but make things like that. I like clay. I like how it can always come back to the same thing, kinda like what people tend to do. Say they've changed, but come back to being the same person.

Even I do it. When I got put on my meds, I changed for a little while, or at least the me people see on the outside. I always end up thinking about how many words people say in a minute, or the say sound travels. My mom says that I have a weird mix of things that no one can place. I think I'm just me.

Then I feel it. A pull in my chest. The sinking empty feeling of alone. I feel this everyday when I sit in this tree. Clinging to a branch, my fingers turn red, then white, the pressure I'm applying on them hurts. I need to have something under my hands to combat the sickening feeling of being completely and utterly alone in the universe.

The whole thing is so sudden it takes me by surprises me. I hate it so much, I hate the way that feels like ice is coating my ribs. I look up at the sky. It's dark now. I can see stars through the branches and the feeling intensifies. Those starts are so far away, yet I can see them so clearly. The sky might as well be empty. I think that would make a lot of people feel better about their puny existences on this floating rock.

"Tyler?" I almost fall out of my tree the yell is so sudden. It's my father, come to tell me to come inside since its 'getting cold'. I never know what he's talking about. "Tyler?" He sounds just like my teacher.

"Yeah?" I call back, flinching at the volume of even my own voice. I hear rustling, he must be trying to find me. He doesn't know which tree is mine. I don't think he even knows I'm up here.

"Time to come in." He's standing around ten feet from my tree, looking around for me. "You know, no one even saw you come home. We were worried. We called you. You should really let us know in the future, Ty." I knew they had called me, I just had ignored their calls. I always have my phone on silent because the noise scares me, but I knew they called me.

"Ma and Zack were yelling." I want to sleep now, but I don't think I'll be able to. Sleeping is hard on nights like these, just because the universe is just too big, and I have to think about all of it, which takes far too long.

"I know bud, you'll just have to get over it." My father starts walking back toward the house. He didn't even wait for me to reply, but I guess he knows by now that I wouldn't have. I have too many thoughts at once to get a good sentence out, at least one other people will understand.

Five minutes after I can't hear my dad anymore, I climb down the tree, scraping my face against the bark, just for the sensation. When I get down my hand finds its way to my cheek, feeling the small indents in my flesh.

I pass the swing set, clawing at my cheek. I inhale the sad smell of rust and grass. I pass the house, my hand, now damp with something that I can't quite place, reaches out for the houses chipped paint. I get to the porch and pause, waiting for any noise. The TV is on, my parents probably watching the news. I open the screen door, one hand on the handle, the other on my face, which stings a bit. I open the regular door, the one that creaks if you move it slowly, which I do.

"Tyler?" My mother says. She sounds just like everyone else. I walk around the corner and look down, seeing the fingers on my left hand are covered in blood. "Oh my god what did you do?" She rushes off the couch and comes toward me quickly. I flinch and step away, her hand was a little too close for comfort.

"Dunno." I look at the shine of maroon on my fingers and the tree bark under my nails.

"You almost put a hole in your cheek, oh god, just look at all this blood..." She goes into the kitchen and rips a piece of paper towel from the roll. All I can think of is that commercial with bad grammar. I look in the mirror by the door and see little bits of flesh that I pulled out of my face with my fingers. It doesn't hurt. It should, but it doesn't. She dabs at my face with the paper towel until I flinch away and back myself into a wall. I hate being touched.

"Tyler, go upstairs and clean the blood of yourself please? We'll talk about this in the morning." My mom is done with me. This is the third time I've done this in two months. The first, I broke two fingers by slamming them in my window. The second, I'm still recovering from. I gave myself a concussion because I needed to hit my head on my desk 89 times.

I follow my moms order and go upstairs into the bathroom. It's times like these when I feel alone in the world, but I also just wanna shut everything else out. I turn the water on and watch it run for a few seconds before washing the blood from my hands. I feel like a robot as I open the cupboard and grab a gauze pad and medical tape. This isn't the first time I've done something like this. When I was eight I scratched most of the skin off of my left thumb, the one that doesn't match.

After I've taped the gauze to my face, I lock myself in my room, not even bothering to turn on the light. Maybe I'll be able to sleep now.

But I doubt it.

 

The next day at school all I get is stares. People usually aren't comfortable around me, but today I know why. I've left my cheek uncovered, you can almost see my teeth through the almost hole in my flesh. I try to ignore the silence as I walk through the hall with my head down. Usually I love silence, but it's different right now. I hate the whispers that are just out of range for me to hear clearly. I hate that people just watch as I go to my locker.

"Freak." The name rings out through the silence and I flinch. I know its directed towards me, I know for certain. A hand grabs my shoulder and turns me around. I let out a startled noise and people chuckle behind me. My eyes have been closed since I've been touched, but I have to open them now. I want to see who's going to torture me today. I'm met with dark brown eyes and dark hair. It's Pete Wentz, a boy a year above me who insists on making my life a living hell. Behind him are his 'friends' I honestly think that Pete just tortures them into staying. You can see it in their faces. Especially with the one on the right. Josh I think his name is. He's got bright red hair and sad eyes. The other, I don't really know, I just know his name is Patrick. He's pretty short, an actual ginger, wears a fedora everyday.

"I was speaking to you, Joseph. Usually when people talk to you, you respond. Maybe you're just too retarded to understand that." I try not to let his words get to me, since showing weakness to these people is like throwing a steak to a starving dog. I don't look him in the eye. It's a bad idea to not do what he says, but I can't help myself. To be honest, I'm scared. He's loud, and he touched me. The boys behind him look like they want nothing to do with Pete, or what's going on. But they don't speak up, no one ever does.

"Alright then." Pete opens the locker he has me shoved against and stuff me in, my shoulders and back scraping against the cold metal. He's laughing as he slams the door shut and walks away with his friends. I look around, it's dark. It's cramped, and I feel suffocated.


	2. Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler gets out of the locker, Zack makes an appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any questions about Tyler's mental state will be answered when asked.

The locker is dark. It's so dark. My chin is pressed against my chin by the shelf above my head. My hands are twitching by my sides. I can't breathe. There's a stinging in my cheek and I can't figure out what it is, until I notice that I'm crying. I hear people getting their things for class. The locker on my right side opens and shuts, loudly. People know that I'm in here, I don't think they care though, if they cared I wouldn't be in here still. 

I stop hearing the talking and footsteps of other people and I know I'm alone. I let out a strangled noise and realize I've been holding my breath. I can't see anything but the three slits of light at the top of the door. I high whine starts from the back of my throat, but it's not me. I shouldn't be making sounds, someone might hear me and try to get me out just to hurt me. People do that at this school, if you cry, people wanna hurt you. My throat closes as I hear someone running down the hall. I hear heavy breath stop outside of 'my' locker. The person doesn't say anything, but I know it's a guy, I can tell by the breath. I can't see anything of him other than a sliver of forehead and a little bit of bright red hair. 

"Sorry." The boy whispers and jams a piece of paper through the slits in the door. It surprises me that he speaks, it surprises me even more that he apologizes. The piece of paper lands on my thigh. It's a bit of ripped notebook paper, it looks a dark grey in this light, I wonder if I could still read it. It's obviously meant for me, there's no one else in this locker with me. I wiggle my hand around my side, there's still dried blood under my nails. I grab the paper and unfold it. 

Tyler, that's your name right? Well after lunch I'm coming to get you out. Hang tight.

-Josh

P.S. if anyone finds out I'm gonna get my ass kicked

He's coming to get me out? That seems weird that he would do that since he's one of Pete's main guys. He's coming after lunch? That's a long time from now, I don't think I can do it. A cold, dark, cramped locker is much different than the freedom of my tree. I want to be there right now, where I can move my arms and legs and where cool metal isn't curving my spine in an uncomfortable way. Maybe if I close my eyes I won't be here anymore. I screw my eyes shut so tight that tears can't run down my cheeks anymore. I think of the sounds of the forest and think of the scent of pine trees.

 

"Tyler?" A voice startles me awake, I hadn't even realized that I had even fallen asleep. Is it already lunch? The boy, Josh I think, is tapping on the locker with his nails. Then I hear the lock clicking and the door swings open. The light is overwhelming, I squint my eyes, making Josh's face look distorted and wrong. My hand flies to my cheek, covering the wound. He's probably already seen it but I don't him to again. "Are you okay?" He seems worried. No one is every really worried about me besides my parents. My hands twitch, he's too close.

"'M fine." My answer is short and clipped but I don't care. I just want him to do whatever he's gonna do and leave. "Are you here to shove me around s'more?" His eyes widen and he shakes his head at my question. I mean, I have the right to ask. People don't do nice things for kids like me.

"No no no, I was here to help. I don't wanna do what Pete did." He runs a hand through his curly red hair that makes me think of the swing set and my metallic tasting cheek. I keep my eyes averted from his, he helped me and that's enough.

"Thank you." I get up, my legs sore from the hour I was crammed in a locker, and almost sprint to the ceramics studio. I look back for a split second to see if Josh is following me. He isn't, he's just watching. At least he's quiet though, he understands that part at least. He has a look on his face that I can't read, it's almost sad. I stop looking and enter the studio, the teacher greeting me with a smile. 

 

I hate it. I hate it so much. The shape is all wrong. I stop the wheel, the clay is making me feel cold and sick. I have attempted to make another bowl, this one with scaled edges. I wanted it to be shiny and green, not forest green, but a summer color that feels distinctly like hot sand. That's not happening, the bowl isn't a perfect circle and its edges are too thick. I take one side, curve it in, then blend the edge. There's an air pocket, when I fire it, it'll explode. I feel a tightness in my chest as I tell the teacher that I'm done. She'll know it's me.

She smiles and takes the ugly, misshapen bowl, which I'm sure looks okay to her. I long for the forest, the cool, quiet place, full of green. I ask the teacher if I could go do homework and she of course says yes, since I'm not required to be here. I leave the classroom calmly, but on the inside, I'm screaming to get out. 

I'm sprinting down the hallways, passing the gym to see basketball practice going on. The boy who helped me, Josh, is running but stops dead in his tracks. He looks at me for a second and I flinch, my hand flying up to cover my cheek, or lack of at this point. I stand there for a second just watching him watch me. I get a cold chill, the shiver running up my spine reminding me that I need to leave before they find out it was me.

On my walk, more like run home I trip on the uneven pavement, my hands scraping along the concrete painfully. I cry out as my body lands on the ground. I cradle my hands to my chest and look to see smears of red, the color of Josh's cherry hair on the sidewalk. I look down to see that the skin on my hands is raw and peeling, rocks trapped in trails of flesh. It hurts, people heard me scream, they're watching, they're talking. I can't hear anything they're saying though, all I hear is the rush of my heartbeat in my ears.

"Ay boy, are you okay?" His voice is booming and intimidating. I freeze, my hands twitch slightly, evoking a flood of pain from my bloodied palms. The man, an older one, probably in his fifties, is walking closer to me. I don't want him near me when I'm on the ground. I scramble up, shoving my hands into my sweatshirt pockets, but my face is exposed. The man gives me a strange look as I back away like a frightened animal.

"Tyler!" It's my bother's voice. He's probably on his way home from school too. I turn to look at him, he looks frantic and is red in the face, his football uniform still half on. Zack grabs me, and I flinch, he lets go. "What's going on here?" He says, his voice rumbling with irritation. The man throws his hands up and takes a few steps away from me. I can't see very well, my vision is getting blurrier by the second.

"Nothing, nothing. He fell." Other people are coming out of their houses to watch the ordeal. They've all heard about me, the troubled Joseph kid who can't come out of his house half the time. I hate how people think of me, but I can't help it. 

"Sure he fell", my brother snarls, pushing me behind him. My bother doesn't think I can handle myself, I wonder what my parents told my siblings about me. "You stay away from Tyler okay, bud?" Zack grabs me by the arm and I squeak. He's leading me home, like I can't get there myself. I start to drag my feet, then eventually stop.

"Zack." I said quietly. "I can get home m'self." All my words jumble together and I'm shaking. He stops walking and looks at me, still seeming a bit bewildered.

"Are you sure? I mean we can walk together since I'm going too."

"You jus don have t drag me." He looks sympathetic for a second, I hate pity.

"Alright Ty."


	3. Pills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler gets new meds and Josh turns up in an unexpected place.

"Tyler will you listen to me please?" My therapist says, I don't want to be here, I've been awake since yesterday morning and I'd rather be sleeping. I visit my therapist three days a week for the next year. I make it look like I'm paying attention, so he'll start talking and stop staring. His eyes are cold, the color of wet concrete, they make me uncomfortable. His whole office makes me uncomfortable. The busted beige couch that's been around for way too many years, the double windows with the rusted bars on the outside, the way the white lights flicker. I just feel like I'm in a cinder block cell when I'm here.

"Now let's talk about what you did to your face. Why? Why would you do that?" He asks, glancing at my cheek that's on it's way to healing, the tissue a bright pink instead of an angry red. I just shrug because I don't know why I did it, I just started picking at myself. 

"Don know." We end the session there because my therapist doesn't wanna look at the wound anymore. He's so squeamish.

I'm a new medication after my visit and my mother is driving to the pharmacy to get my prescription filled. We park in the lot, a light rain spattering the windshield, reminding me of spring mornings.

"Do you want to come in with me?" I shake my head. I've never liked stores, the lights are too harsh, like hospital lights, and the shelves make me feel trapped. There's too much metal, I hate metal. It's cold and gives off a sharp smell that hurts my nose. My mother sighs, then shuts the car door. It makes me jump a little in the back seat of the car where I'm stretched out with my face pressed into the leather. 

 

When we arrive home I go straight to my room, not wanting to talk to any of the family. My lights are off, the windows covered, just how I like it. My room is always the hottest room in the house, even in the winter. I hate to be cold, being cold is just black, full of frost, and terrifying. 

I crawl into my always warm bed, it's a heaven of grey softness that is always the same, something I find comforting. I wish I could sleep right now, I want to so badly, but I can't. Even though I don't bring anything to school, or participate in class, I still do my homework, and tonight I have a lot. The class that I'm failing, calculus, assigns so much work that I can barely get done. Thinking about it makes my hands itch to pick at the healing flesh on my face, so I sit on them.

I hear a soft knock at my door, it still startles me. Then Zack's head is visible through the doorway, his hair wet from the shower, which stopped running about twenty minutes ago. He tells me it's dinner time, not expecting that I'd actually decide to come and join my loud family at the table. My mother looks shocked when she sees me meekly come around the table and sit down. There's a place set for me, usually if I don't come down my father brings a plate up to me. My pills are stilling in the middle of my plate, three half green half white, two plain blue. They're chalky in my mouth, the taste not leaving my tongue even after I drink my water. 

My family talks quietly to each other before my dad asks how everyone's day was. My mother goes first, saying how at work she had gotten a lot done that day. My brother goes next, talking about football practice and how he heard some kid got shoved in a locker. I gasp and the rest of the conversation is a buzz in my head, like the engine of a semi truck. I eat quickly, wanting to get back upstairs and get my head to stop spinning. 

"Tyler." My father says firmly, I come back to the real world and look into his deep set eyes. "your sister asked you a question." If she even did I didn't hear, my ears are ringing so loudly that they block out everything else.

"Wha was it." I mumble, my eyes trailing down to my hands folded in my lap. At these times I really wish I was invisible, but no such on my part.

"How's school for you?" My sister is in eighth grade, the youngest out of all of us.

"Um, school is... good. How are piano lessons?" I know she takes them, I hear her begging my parents all the time for a keyboard. She could ask to use mine, but then again, I use it all the time. I have to keep it rather quiet since it tends to hurt my head if I use it too long. 

She starts talking to the family again, so it's safe to zone out. No one tends to address me after the first question, which I'm find with, I've never been good at talking anyways.

 

The next day at school isn't at all the previous. No one is staring, no one is whispering. I walked into the building acutely aware of every little noise that would surely come, but never did. I go to my locker, there isn't anything written on it in black marker. I go to my first class, there's no one blocking the door or seats from me. I go to lunch, no one runs into me on purpose and spills my food. In fact, everything goes well until my ceramics class. I go into the room expecting to sit down quietly, but I'm greeted by a head of cherry hair and a bright smile. The boy waves to me, I've forgotten his name.

I sit down and pull the plastic bag off of the tea pot that I'm working on. He comes and its down next to me, I am uncomfortable. I wonder why he's here, the boy from basket ball, the boy from the locker. I don't want to say anything, the thought of speaking to him makes my hands twitch in the dried clay dust. I don't look at him, even though he keeps glancing at me. He already said that if Pete found out, he'd kill the boy. 

A few minutes pass, it feels like hours with him watching me. "Aren't you gonna say hi?" His voice surprises me and I jump in my seat. My hands pull at each other as I actually turn to look at him.

"I don know." My voice, the complete opposite of his is quiet, breathy. He's a brash boy with brash hair and a brash voice. He intimidates me.

"Well in case you forgot, I'm Josh. I saw you yesterday when I was at practice. And hey, I'm sorry about what happened with the locker Pete, I won't let it happen again." Josh. Josh is being so nice to me. The only people who are ever nice is my family and even they get annoyed with me.

"Thanks, Josh... I jus don wanna get hurt, ya know?" I think that was the longest sentence I've ever said to anyone. I don't usually talk much, mostly because words don't come easily to me speaking wise. I like poetry and songwriting but those are on paper, not out in the air.

Maybe Josh will keep being good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been gone so long. School is really hectic.


	4. Pink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler tries ice cream, Josh makes a friend

“Do you wanna come do homework after school with me?” Josh says, looking at me with a smile. I don’t know what to say, I mean, I can’t say no. I promised him that we would hang out sometime, it’s just, I’ve never ‘hung out’ with anyone. No one really ever wants to spend time with me in school, but Josh is different. It’s been about a month since he got me out of that locker, a month since he showed up the the ceramics studio. I haven’t spoken much to him, but he talks to me all the time. It’s nice to have the distraction from the cold place in my head, plus he talks quietly so I don’t get a headache.

“Mm, okay.” I mumble, watching his face light up. He has this smile, one that shows his teeth a lot. I am fascinated by that smile for some reason. Josh is just an intriguing person, from his cherry hair to the way he talks, I’m just interested. The other day I went into the woods, into my tree, and just sat there for a while, staring at the sky and just thought about why he would be nice to me.

“Okay, I’ll pick you up in the parking lot after school.” He smiles again, and reaches over to me. I flinch away from his hand, he doesn’t notice. He ruffles my hair, a shiver runs down my spine and I let out a yelp. His hand felt like a shock to my skin. I hate being touched. Josh pulls away and looks confused, but I don’t keep eye contact with him for long. I’m staring at my shoes, the stained canvas reminding me of the summer when they were new. Suddenly my shoes are the most interesting thing in the world. “Tyler?” I flinch again, my name hurts.

“Please don touch me. Makes me nervous.” My hand is up at my cheek, fingers twisting in the pink, scabbed wound. Josh looks upset now, that makes me feel gross. As gross as his fingers felt in my hair. Things were going well, and I ruined it. I ruin a lot of things.

 

“You still wan me comin over?” I ask Josh, looking at him with my watering eyes, the sun was bright, reflecting off the hood of his car. He chuckles and shakes his head. Is he laughing at me?  
“Tyler of course, I don’t see why I wouldn’t.” He opens the passenger side door, I’m confused. He gestures to it, he wants me to get in. I only ever go in cars when I have to, I prefer to walk. Cars have this metallic, burning smell in the air, the fake leather sticking to your hands, the vibrations of the engine. It’s all just too much at once. I get in anyway, letting out a small sigh.

He starts the car, the smell in here isn’t at all like metal though, it’s like fast food and cheap cologne. It’s still loud though. Josh turns on the radio, but I stutter out something along the lines of “Please no, I have a headache.” He promptly turns it off, giving me a feverish smile of what can only be mild frustration. It’s understandable, I barely talk, I wouldn’t let him touch me, I pick at my skin. Before I can finish another thought we’re stopped and Josh is saying that we arrived at his place. It’s a chalky white building with powder blue shutters. It reminds me of one of the pills I have to take, the ones that make me sleepy. There’s a collection of garden gnomes in the yard, sitting amongst roses the exact shade of Josh’s hair, bright cherry.

Inside is no different, Josh leads me through different rooms, all decorated in smiling figurines and paintings of flowers. It reminds me of my grandmother’s house, especially the kitchen, done in white and blue tile with dark wooden cupboards. When we get to Josh’s room, everything changes. It’s painted dark blue, with band posters and a messy bed. There's really nothing in my bedroom but a desk, a keyboard, and my actual bed. Here it feels lived in, cozy.

“So do you wanna do homework?” Josh asks suddenly, his voice scaring me, my hands twisting into my hair as a reflex. He’s looking at his phone, not seeing how I reacted. Maybe that’s a good thing.

“Sure.” I mumble in response, pulling at the fingers on my right hand. He reaches off the beanbag he’s thrown himself into and grabs his backpack, pulling out his computer. I find myself wondering what kind of homework he has. I never reveive much, reading here and there, some worksheets. I do very well in school, I guess it’s because I don’t socialize. My phone vibrates on my leg in my pocket, I don’t pick it up.

“You can sit down…” He says, gesturing to the bean bag beside his. I realize that I’m still standing in the doorway, my hands shoved awkwardly in my sweatshirt pocket. I look at the chair, the fabric looks like velvet, but not quite. I sit down, sucked into the felt. It’s soft, I can’t stop running the tips of my calloused fingers over it. Everything in the room is overwhelming, I forget the outside of my head for a minute, thinking about each sense and what’s going on internally.

“So what are you doin?” I ask with with wide eyes, watching Josh flick the fiery strands from his eyes. He looks up from his computer, the color of stainless steel, and smirks. There’s a pull in my chest and I wanna hide from him suddenly, but I stay. There’s nowhere I could go anyway.

“English, but it’s boring. Do you wanna go get ice cream instead?” He tosses his computer aside, I jump. He pulls himself from the bean bag, adjusting his sweatpants that have the words ‘OHIO STATE’ printed on them in large white letters. I feel gross.

“Okay. I don have any money though.” I get up, brusing my hands on the not-quite velvet surface, I’m going to miss the feel of those chairs.

“It’s okay, my treat. I’ve recently gotten a job.” He looks proud of himself, I wonder where he works. I can’t imagine him doing anything, but my imagination has never been the best. Usually I just tell myself things, I can’t see them. Josh leads me from his room and there’s silence for a few minutes.

“What’s your job?” I think this is the most I’ve ever said to anyone outside my family and therapist. I don’t know where this sudden burst of confidence is coming from, but I don’t want it to leave. Things like these usually don’t stay long for me. I expect to be hiding under my covers fearing what may be lurking in the darkness outside my field of vision later in the evening.

“Where are you two running off to?” Josh’s mom suprises me and I let a small squeak out. Josh looks at me weird before replying.

“We are off to get some ice cream, we’ll be back in a bit.” He grabs a snapback off a peg on the wall, placing it on his head, leaving some cherry stained hair hanging in front. My breath stops for a second and my fingers twitch.

“Alright hun, next time you’ll have to properly introduce me to your friend.” She smiles as Josh shuts the door. I am cut off from the powder house and the lived in-ness of Josh’s room.

We get in the car again, it’s not nearly as bad as the last time, and the ride is shorter. We pull up at a small building with a white and pink striped awning out front, I am immediately reminded of old barber shops. In the window are stools wrapped in pink vinyl looking out into the street. There’s a few people inside, but it must be quiet. Josh opens the door for me, I mutter a small ‘thank you’ but I stand behind him again when he goes up to the counter.

“What do you want Tyler?” he asks, looking over the menu options, which I don’t understand half of.

“I don know. Can’t remember the last time I had ice cream.” I say with a shrug, taking in the sheer pinkness of this shop. The man behind the counter wears a pink and white paper hat, all the sample spoons look like bubblegum.

“Oh my lord, we have to get you the works.” Josh says, raising his eyebrows. He orders two double fudge sundaes with mint chip ice cream. I wonder how it’ll be. He hands the man money and we go and sit down on the bar stools. I run my hand over the vinyl and shiver at how cold it is, how smooth it is. Our ice cream comes in clear plastic cups with the same of the shop printed on them in pink, swirly letters. Josh digs in, but I hesitate, looking over the quickly melting dessert. It has peanuts, chocolate sauce, and a perfect cherry on top. A cherry for a cherry haired boy.

When I take a bite I am surprised at its coldness and the way it melts over my tongue. It’s sweet and minty, leaving a tingling feeling in my mouth. It’s like a perfect sensory overload, I can feel it in my toes. I devour the rest of my ice cream, a smile on my face, chocolate on my lips. After I thank Josh, he drives me home, leaving me feeling content.

“Where have you been?” My mother’s voice is shrill, reminding me of the texts I had gotten from probably her over the course of the afternoon. It makes me jump.

“Was with a fren.” I don’t look her in the eye, I couldn't do that right now. She seems confused, but it’s understandable, I’ve never really had a friend before.

“Oh, okay.” Maybe this is as weird for her as it is for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is cute, I like it. Give me some feedback? It'll help make this fic better :)


	5. Needles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler and Josh watch a movie

“Tyler hellllp.” Josh whines, smushing his hands around in the grey mess in the first attempt of a pinch pot. He looked so helpless, having no idea how to make anything out of clay. I get up, quietly because this chair tends to creak. I sit down next to him and remove his hands from the sloppy goop, grabbing his wrist by my fingertips. He’s got clay dust in his hair, making the cherry dampened with concrete grey. He looks like and old man.

 

“Don press that hard on the clay. You’re makin it all thin ‘n stuff.” I grab a ball of clay and roll it between my fingers for a second before pressing my thumb into its center. I show him how to make a small pinch pot, placing it on the table next to him. “Be gentle, like the clay is a kitten. You don wanna squish the kitten too much, right?” He’s watching my hands. I’m watching him watch my hands. It’s a circle of watching and I feel my face fill with the heat of blush. “You try now.”

 

He picks up a ball of clay for himself, imitating my motions exactly. A roll between white dusted fingers, thumbs pushing the clay into the correct form, yet he’s still too rough. Before I’m really thinking I grab his hands with my own, getting the shock of heat from his skin. “Gentle… Gentle.” I murmur behind him, my thumbs overlapping his. It’s silence for a few seconds before my face feels like fire and I need to let go. “See, easy.” He gives me a golden smile and I can’t help but give one back.

 

 

“What are your aspirations in life, Tyler?” My therapist says, his chicken scratch pen at the ready. I’ve never been asked this question, people always assumed I’d be locked away somewhere eventually. I assumed that too I guess. You get told something for long enough and you’ll start to believe it too.

 

“I guess I wanna make music.” My music is half my life, more than half, if you count thought as well. I’d spend all day on that keyboard if I didn’t get headaches and I didn’t like hanging out with Josh. Josh. He’s a subject that will never be brought up to this doctor. He likes to read into things too far and he’d probably just put me on more meds.

 

“That’s not a realistic goal Tyler. What about your pottery? That could work out. I have one of the mugs you made at home actually.” He what? He has one of them? Which one? I remember everything I’ve made and I don’t remember making one for him. 

 

“Where did you get it?” I say quietly, looking down to the brown carpet, the carpet that reminds me of the way decay smells. I then look at my hands, their creases still chalky with clay dust.

 

“Your mother brought it for me.” Now I don’t want to talk to either of them. I’m protective of my pottery. She can’t just give my work away to people I don’t even like. I choose to shut up for the rest of the session. He can ask me questions, he can wonder, but he won’t get an answer back.

 

 

“So he had one of your what’s?” Josh asked, dribbling a basketball between his hands, watching me. I’m still upset about my therapy appointment yesterday, a dark, cold upset feeling that leaves your stomach churning.

 

“One of my mugs. My mom gave him one.” Josh knows how I feel about my art, how I don’t like it just handed away. I’m pacing now, quickly back and forth while Josh dribbles that basketball, the sound of it hitting the pavement lined up with my feet.

 

“Tyler, stop pacing dude, don’t get too worked up about this.” He stopped dribbling, dead silence after he spoke. The air suddenly felt heavy, like it was crushing me. I sit down, crumpled into a heap on the ground, cold seeping through my flannel sweatshirt.

 

“But I hate him.” I whisper. Josh kneels down next to me, his hand hovering over my shoulder, if he touched me, I wouldn’t move. “You can.” I don’t know if he actually understood what I meant, but he placed his hand on my shoulder regardless. His skin was warm, pushing the cold back into the asphalt.

 

“Do you wanna go in a watch a movie to take your mind off of it?” Josh’s hand is distracting me, I can’t remember the last time anyone has touched me for this long. It feels foreign, alien. His hand doesn’t twitch like mine, it’s as still as stone, but has the warmth of a summer evening. 

 

“Uh huh.” I get up, Josh pulling me by the hand. I don’t want him to let go, I’m cold and he’s a heater, but he does. He drops my hand without a second thought as we enter his powder house, his cherry hair a bright contrast against the medical blue and white. Josh sits me down on the couch, his parents aren’t home, the house is quiet. He grabs his computer, silver and metallic, and sits down next to me. The couch dips, shoving us closer together. He types something into the search bar that I don’t read. I don’t pay attention as he pulls up a movie.

 

“What’s this?” I ask as the movie starts. Hands crafted from needles, a window, a doll with blank button eyes. I’ve never seen this one.

 

“My guilty pleasure, Coraline.” Josh is smiling slightly, staring at the purples and blues on his computer screen. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of this movie, but it looks cool. It’s done in clay, something that I enjoy a lot, so maybe I’ll like this movie. Everything in it is pretty and I wonder how they did it.

 

Halfway through I notice that sometimes Josh looks at me for a few seconds, but then looks away. I feel his eyes torching holes in the side of my head and I wonder what he’s doing. I look over while he’s staring at me, his gaze intense, he’s looking at my lips. I don’t know why, but he’s leaning in. His face is so close, I’m leaning in too, but he whispers a soft “no” and draws away. He’s quiet for the rest of the movie, which I am slightly frightened by. It’s just all the screaming, it’s so loud. 

 

Josh drives me home after it’s over, telling me to have a good night and not to think about my therapist. I don’t think I was gonna think about those things though, I was too occupied with Josh. His face was so close to mine. Was he going to kiss me? If he had, would I have kissed him back? No, I don’t want to think about this either, I’ve never been romantic with anyone before, no has ever wanted it. I’ve never dated anyone either, everyone knows I don’t like to be touched. That puts them off. Also I’ve never been interested in anyone that way. Am In interested in Josh that way? No. I can’t. I can’t do that to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I almost got too carried away. No Joshler yet my friends.


	6. Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler sleeps well

“Tyler, please talk to me.” Josh says, sounding more desperate each time he repeats it. I haven’t been talking to him after the movie, which means I haven’t been talking to anyone. I’m feeling quite explosive, like a landslide of emotion might burst out at Josh any second. I wanna talk to him again, I miss it, I can’t spend an entire a week completely in solitude. “You can’t keep doing this, you’ll have to speak to me sometime.” Josh’s voice is strained, I don’t understand why, we’ve only known each other for a few months, he can’t be attached to me. That soft ‘no’ he whispered rings in my mind, that no couldn’t have been anything good.

“Why are you doin this? You don like me, remember?” I muttered, pushing past him to get into the ceramics studio. Our shoulders brush, I get a shock, he puts his hand on my arm, another shock. He's so warm, the kind of warm I never am, the kind of warm I always want. I look at him, wrapping my arms around his neck, burying my head in his chest. 

“Tyler, what? What could you ever do to make me hate you?” Josh is reluctant, confused, but he pulls me closer to him, his body radiating an addicting heat. 

"I really don know..." I say back, my voice muffled by his shirt that smells of fabric softener. 

"Homos!" A mans voice shouts in our direction. I flinch, my fingers tightening around the skin of Josh's neck. I close my eyes, blocking out my limited field of vision. All I wanna know is the heat of Josh's chest right now. 

"The fuck did you just say to us?" Josh snaps, his arms not dropping from my waist, but pulling me tighter into him. My spine is compressed by his hands on my lower back, I can feel his heartbeat. 

"I said, you're just a couple of homos." The guy says, the voice is closer, that means he's closer. Josh drops me and moves me closer to the wall, away from whoever is harassing us. I still haven't opened my eyes and I'm clinging to the wall, my fingers trying to etch their way into the plaster. 

"How about you step off man? What's your problem?" I take a peek of what Josh is doing. He's up in that boy's face, looking surprisingly intimidating for his not so impressive height. 

"I've got two. One, you're homos, two, your boyfriend's a retard." I hear the sickening thump of a fist hitting skin, the crumpled noises of a body falling to the floor. I just have to look. Josh is standing over the boy, one of Pete's friends, breathing heavily, massaging his bruised knuckles.

 

<><><><>

 

“I can’t believe I got suspended!” Josh says with a sigh, throwing his hands up. Once again we’re in his room, the large beanbags holding us hostage. I’ve been quiet the whole time, just listening to him talk. Usually even his voice is warm, but right now it’s boiling. I stare at the ceiling, watching the fan spin slowly.

 

“Thanks for defending me.” I say, scratching at the side on my face with jagged nails. There’s a hand on my wrist, taking it away from my mostly healed cheek.

 

“It was so problem. That guy is just an asshole, don’t even worry about him. Please stop picking at yourself, your face just healed.” Josh kept his hand on mine, his thumb tracing circles on my palm. A shiver runs down my back, tracing through the nerves in my arm and filling the rest of my body. All I wanna do is listen to him, I’m cold and his voice keeps me warm.

 

“Please keep talkin.” I say, shifting in my beanbag chair so I’m facing him. His eyes are blown wide, pupils as big as satellite dishes in the low light. I can see that he’s struggling for words, something meaningful to say, but he doesn’t know that his words don’t have to mean anything. My hands are clasped in his in his lap. I can feel his blood pumping beneath his skin, it’s going fast.

 

“I don’t know what you’d want me to say.”

 

“Anything. Please, I’m so cold.” He’s confused, he’s searching for an understanding of my words. He pushes himself up onto his knees, shoving me over in my beanbag, then collapses in next to me. I am shocked. He pulls me into his torso and lap, curling me into the warmest place I’ve ever been. I see flashes or red and orange, fireplace colors. Josh’s face is in the back on my neck, his arms twisting around my thin waist. It felt like I was being brought back to life, the cold erased from my bones. I honestly never wanted Josh to let go.

 

<><><><>

 

I woke up feeling empty, cold, and sick. The beanbag around me was abandoned by Josh, the imprint of his body still lining the fabric. I felt a twist of regret and confusion in my gut. The vile concoction told me that he had gone forever, disgusted that he had ever touched me. Something else in my head reminded me that that was probably untrue, but the voice was faint.

 

“Josh?” I called weakly, rising from the chair on shaking legs. I felt drained, those waves of warmth Josh brought were gone, nothing but a frigid space where they had been.

 

“Tyler? You’re awake, god I wondered if you’d even wake up. You were out cold.” Josh said, coming back into his room. He wasn’t wearing the same thing as before. He’s now in grey sweatpants and no hat, a strange state for him. I liked no hat Josh, you could see how his cherry hair had faded to a peachy pink, white frosting the ends. It made him look soft, like a less out there version of himself.  
“How long was it?” I asked, stretching my arms as the warmth radiated from my chest into my fingertips. He hadn’t left for good, which made me feel less sick and hollow. 

 

“Um, I don’t know, about an hour since I woke up.” He was smiling, the one where all his teeth showed. He chuckled to himself a little, which made me nervous. Was he laughing at me? “You make really cute noises in your sleep.” He came in the room a few steps, grabbing my hand. I am obsessed with the heat he brings. Obsessed to the point where it’s unhealthy.

 

“Josh, I shoulda gone home earlier.Can you drive me?” I ask, rubbing the sleep from my eyes with my free hand. It’s around 6:00, my mom will be expecting me home for dinner.

 

“Of course, go get in the car, I gotta tell my mom I’m leaving.” His mom is home? We must’ve been asleep for awhile, I’m too tired to care much though. I go downstairs, following him, but not into the kitchen. I leave the house, through the chalk white door. The handle is a cold brass, making my hand freeze from the inside. I get in the car, it smells like Josh. The floor has been cleaned of fast food wrappers and random empty cans of soda.

 

The door to my left clicked open a few minutes later, Josh looking a little less happy, his chocolate eyes looking a little more grey. “You okay?” I ask. I’m worried about him.

 

“Yeah yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for checking in.” He puts on a smile, but it doen’t show his teeth like it should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! Thanks for all the feedback guys, every time someone comments it gives me a little more motivation to write :)


	7. Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the hill, sharing stars

7

Today Josh is coming back from his suspension and I have to say that I’m excited. The last three days at school without him have been hell. People shove me around, call me names, hell someone even hit me yesterday, I have the bruise on my ribs. No one touches me when I’m around Josh because they’re scared of him because he used to be part of Pete’s crew. I don’t quite know how he got out of it, but it must’ve been effective because they haven’t bothered me or Josh. I wonder what he said to them. I walk into school, feeling more and more excited with each step I take.

“Tyler!” I hear Josh and my head snaps to the right. He’s down the English wing hall, putting stuff in his locker. I smile big and fall into a full sprint, jumping into Josh’s arms. He grunts when I make contact, wrapping my arms around his neck and taking in his warmth that I had missed. I knew people were staring but I didn’t care. He was back. “Woah there, I was only gone for three days.”

“It was awful Jish, they don like me when you’re not around.” I sputter out, my face still buried in his chest. I could hear his heartbeat, quick, like the kick drum in an upbeat song. I wonder how mine feels, since I can’t feel anything but Josh.

“What did they do to you Tyler? Do they hurt you?” Josh says, his eyes going wide like the moon. They glinted something cold, something not I was nervous about.

“No no, they jus say stuff.” Lie, the bruise on my arm aches like it’s frozen from the inside, cool waves fighting the heat of Josh’s skin over mine. I screw my eyes shut and pretend I’m nowhere but Josh, with his candy-tipped cherry hair and toothy smile. That’s only where I wanna be.

<><><><>

“Wanna go somewhere tonight?” Josh asks, fiddling with a piece of clay that makes his hands go grey. He hasn’t made anything besides little pinch pots and a bowl, but he always makes scrap pieces into tiny cats. I’ve been trying to perfect the handle of a teapot for the past half hour and I will continue until there aren’t any flaws, which probably will be never.

“Uh, sure.” I wonder if my parents will allow me out, but then again, they don’t really pay attention. The clay in my hands gets to dry and breaks, I let out a frustrated grunt and start picking at my nails. “Jiiish.” I whine, a sound high in my throat that makes Josh visibly shiver. I wonder why my sounds have that effect on him. 

"What is it Ty?" He looks me dead in the eye, something that only he does nowadays, even my parents can't look me in the eye. I stare down at the crumbled mess of clay at my fingertips and sigh. 

"I can't get this right." I don't wanna look at it. I don't wanna think about it. A piece of clay shouldn't make me feel so terrible, yet it does. I don't understand why I do this to myself. I feel the cold seep through my hands. 

"Can I try to help?" Josh asks, sounding timid, his eyebrows arching up. I nod to him, and then shut my eyes, hearing the legs of his stool scrape across the floor. He drags it across the table to where I'm sitting, putting it behind me. He sits down, his torso pressed into his back. I keep my eyes closed but my mouth falls open, silently gasping. Whenever he touches me I receive and electric shock, then warmth pools in my skin, radiation out through my nerves. 

His arms wrap around me, cupping my hands with his. I've never felt so on edge near him, it's like the small space between us is charged with anxiety, but in a comfortable way, if that makes any sense at all. He has me pick up some more clay, he rubs it between our palms, making a snake. 

"What do you want it to look like?" He asks in a whisper, his breath tickling my ear, making a shiver run down my neck.   
I sit stone still, wanting him to speak again. 

"I don have any idea." I say back, looking around the room to see no one, not even the teacher. I can feel Josh's face drifting closer and closer to my neck, his stubble brushing my cold skin. Then I feel it, his lips press against the nape of my neck, softly. I make an audible sound, a breathy sigh, one that makes Josh shift in his seat. 

"Tyler." Josh says, his voice causing air to breeze across my neck. I almost crumple into him then, but I can't move. There his lips are again, trailing small kisses up my neck to behind my ear. I don't know what to do with myself. 

The door to the classroom opens and Josh moves backwards suddenly. I hear a yelp and then a crash. Josh is on the floor, the teacher looks at him strangely. 

"Jish are you okay?" I ask, getting up to help him. He cracks a grin and starts laughing, but I feel sick. I miss his warmth, his lips on my neck. I felt something, a twist in my gut, saying that Josh is more than just a friend. But Josh can't be more than just a friend, because that's what I am to him. A friend. 

<><><><>

'tap' 'tap' there's a noise on my bedroom window, it wakes me from a nightmare, which I am grateful for. 'tap'. What's making that sound? I roll over and look out across my lawn from two stories up. I can see candy hair reflect the moonlight, it's Josh. I open my window and I can he's his smile from the ground. How long has he been there?

"Josh?" I say quietly, hoping he'll hear me from this distance. 

"Tyler, come down, I have something to show you!" Josh says back, waving me down. I'm confused before I realize that he had asked me if I wanted to come out tonight. I had said yes. 

I roll out of bed and slip on a pair of vans. Hopefully my parents won't notice that I'm gone, but it's 1am. They're sleeping. I get out to the lawn and Josh is waiting by the passengers side door. He grins at me, I smile back. I vaguely wonder if he's gonna take me into the woods and kill me, but that's such a ridiculous thought that I dismiss it. 

"Where are we goin?" I ask, rubbing my eyes sleepily as he opens the door for me. I get in the car, jumping when he shuts it with a bang. 

"Surprise for now." He's still smiling, I'm still thinking that he might murder me. I look over at him and now all that crosses my mind is how he looks in the moonlight. His skin glowing like the stars, his eyes flashing silver. He looks beautiful. We start driving and I can't stop staring. He has to have noticed, but just doesn't care. 

Ten minutes later and the car has stopped. He's asked me to wait while he gets set up. We're on a hill in the middle of the woods in a state park. He could murder me if he wanted. He has me close my eyes, but I hear the trunk open, I hear the grass crunching under his feet. 

"Okay Tyler, you can look now." He says, opening my door and taking my hand. I had forgotten how hot his hands were, they made everything else feel like ice. I open my eyes and out in front of me is a blanket, a package of oreos, and a little speaker. 

I make a little noise, halfway between a gasp and a squeak. I don't know what this is, but my heart is racing. He leads me to sit down on the blanket, which is soft and colored in different grays. His hand never leaves mine, I feel infinite. 

"Stargazing is one of my favorite things, I thought you'd like it too." He says quietly, laying down and looking up. I feel a rush of something in my throat and stomach. I can't find any words to express myself with. It's perfect, quiet, dark, and I'm with Josh, so the cold isn't even bothering me. 

"Thank you." I say, pressing myself into his side. His arm wraps around my shoulders and I feel at home, comforted by the heat of my only friend. I wonder how he felt about me, I remember the incident from earlier. Do friends just do that? Kiss each other like it's nothing? It wasn't nothing to me. 

As I'm off in my thoughts, music starts to play, a song with lyrics reminding me of my feelings. I feel my heart race as I look into the stars, tracing the Milky Way with a finger. Josh is looking at me, I can feel his warm eyes burning into the side of my head. 

"Tyler" he's using the same voice as before, the voice from the studio. I can feel shivers in my neck where his lips once were. I want them on me again for some reason. 

"Josh?" I say back, turning to look at him. The invitingly warm depths of his eyes and the pinkness of his lips invoked something in me that I hadn't felt before. The chorus of the song came on, the stars weighed heavy on us like a blanket, electricity ran through my veins like fireworks. I needed to be closer to him. 

"Can I kiss you?" I nod at his request, feeling my chest tie up in knots, untie, and then tie again, my heartbeat matching. My eyes fall closed, my breath slowing. I can feel him drawing closer, hesitant but determined. I can feel his stubble, then his lips on mine. All I can see is red, the warm, comforting color that makes me feel like I could be here forever. He is gentle, moving his lips slowly as I return the delicate kiss. I feel like my life ends at this moment, like everything lead up to this. The moment of my first kiss. The moment of Josh, me, and the stars, going on and on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe


	8. Trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They Talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tyler's dialogue is supposed to be misspelled because he just talks like that, sorry if there was any confusion.

“Tyler Robert Joseph, where have you been?” My stomach drops as soon I walk through the door, my hand twitch in my pockets. My mouth goes dry and I have no idea what to say, I didn’t think they’d notice that I was gone.

 

“O-out.” It’s my mother sitting in an armchair in the living room. She doesn’t look happy to see me sneaking in at 3 in the morning. I didn’t think I’d ever sneak out, but then again, I didn’t think I’d ever want to spend my time with Josh.

 

“We’ll talk about this in the morning. Go upstairs.” She snaps, making me flinch. I can feel the cold push Josh’s leftover heat out of my veins, now I just feel hollow. I walk by her, watching the floorboards go past. I stop at the door to my room, I had left it open. She’d probably seen that my bed was empty when she walked down the hall to the bathroom. I’m an idiot. I kick off my shoes, thinking about how sleep will evade me at all costs tonight.

 

I climb into bed, the sheets are cold, everythings cold. I miss Josh. 

 

<><><><>

 

“He snuck out last night, Chris, I don’t know what we’re gonna do with him.” My parents are talking in the kitchen. They have no idea that I’m on the stairs. I wonder what’s gonna happen. “Lately he’s been so off. Is it the new medication?” I can’t listen to them anymore, it already feels like my skin is just a shell, like there’s nothing but a cold void where I should be. They’re making it worse for everyone.

 

“Didn’t he say something about a ‘Josh’ character?” My dad says, I freeze, not even wanting to go in anymore. They know about Josh. “Is Josh just another one of his ideas?” I’ve had imaginary friends before, when I was little. Josh is real, other people see him, I know that because he punched that guy.

 

“No no, Josh dropped him off last week, he’s that basketball player with the red hair.” My mom responds, at least she knows. I go into the kitchen and grab my backpack. They stop talking and look at me. “Tyler, sit down. We need to talk to you.” I take a seat at the table, looking at the wood like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.

 

“Since this is your first offence, we’re gonna let you off easy. If we catch you sneaking out again you’re in big trouble ok?” My father says, watching me with intense brown eyes. I don’t turn to look at him, I scratch at the back of my hand with jagged nails. 

 

“Who is Josh.” The question makes my stomach tie itself in a knot, my insides writhing in anticipation of my answer. I don’t say anything at first, trying to find something that won’t cause problems. They can’t know I was out with him or what we were doing.

 

“A fren.” I’ve never really had friends before, not even when I was a kid. The other children were always just scared of me because of the twitching and biting.

 

“Just no more sneaking out, okay?” My mom says, I nod. I guess the meeting is over. I get up, and leave through the front door, it’s cold. My walk to school is uneventful, I stare wistfully at the crack in the sidewalk which made my hands a bloody mess, I watch a car go over the bad pothole in the road. I can hear another car behind me, it stops parallel to me and I freeze. Is someone here to kill me?

 

“Hey Ty!” I could recognize that voice a mile away. It’s my candy haired friend. “Get in, I’ll drive you.” I go around the car to the passenger's side, the warmth of the enclosed space envelopes me immediately. I smile, looking down at my feet.

 

“Thanks, Jish. It’s so cold out.” He smiles at me, turning up the heat a little more, which I appreciate. It smells like his cologne and his room in here, the metallic smell of most cars being masked by him. As we drive, a comfortable silence vibrates between us, but I want to talk about last night. I want to know what I mean to him. “Can we talk?”

 

“About what?”

 

“Last night.” The air between us freezes, I feel him draw back. The warmth is receding and I think I made a bad decision by asking.

 

“I agree, let’s get some food and we can have a chat.” He’s got the car pulled over in the parking lot of a taco bell, the thought of school cast out the window. We leave the car and enter the restaurant. The smell of cheap meat hanging in the room. Josh orders us a couple burritos, paying before I even have a chance to object.

 

“Okay. You first.” He says, unwrapping his food and watching me. I struggle with my words, like usual, but something in my throat is keeping me from speaking. Something that would happen a lot when I first met Josh. We had gotten so far, in terms of me being able to express myself around him, but now we’re back to square one.

 

“I wan to know what that meant t’you. I don know what it was for me, but it was more than frens. What are we gonna do?” It was weird to say so much at once, but it felt good to get it out there, I needed it.

 

“To be honest Tyler, I don’t know what it was either, but you mean a lot to me. I wanna treat you better than everyone else. I can’t explain it. You’re the first person I’ve felt this way about. I think things should just go as normal and see where they take us, you know?” Josh says, staring at me, his chocolate eyes blown wide. I nod slowly, taking in what was just shoved into the air between us. 

 

“I think so too. I don think we should rush things.” Would I even wanna be in a relationship with Josh? Would he wanna be in one with me? There was really only one way to find out, but I don’t wanna ruin things the way they are, they’re good right now.

 

“Wanna go take a nap instead of going to school?” Josh asks, finishing the last bite of his burrito. I nod, following him through the door and back into his car.

 

<><><><>

 

“Jish m happy I got stuffed n that locker.” We’re laying on his bed, somewhere I hadn’t been yet, my fingers dancing across the palm of his hand. We’re staring at the ceiling, which looks grey in this light, listening to music and talking. It was perfect and warm, my thoughts clouded with summer and honey.

 

“Why are you happy about that Tyler?” When he says my name, I can’t help but love it. Usually my name makes me feel sick, because I am more than my name, but when he says it, I am enthralled. I want him to say it over and over again.

 

“Cause I wouldn’ta met you.” I move my hand from his hand, down to his chest, feeling his heartbeat through his skin. His skin is more than just a shell, he’s a summer day inside a candy haired boy, and I can’t get enough. I’ve never trusted someone this much in my life, I don’t think I’d want to trust anyone else. He’s all I need. He moves, kneeling over me, his hands by the sides of my head.

 

“Josh please kiss me.” I whine, looking into his eyes that are so dark that I could see myself in them. He dips down, pressing his lips to mine. I wrap my legs around his waist and tangle my hands into his duck-fluff hair. Our lips move in sync, his tongue prodding at the edge of my lips for entrance. I allow, his tongue swiping into my mouth. A quiet moan falls from my throat as I pull him closer, his warmth awakening something fierce in my stomach. His lips break away from mine and I miss them before they attach to my neck.

 

I gasp, pulling on his hair slightly. I can feel him smirking against the skin under my ear, I can feel his hot breath leaving trails of goosebumps behind. His lips ghost down to my collar bones, his teeth lightly grazing them. I involuntarily buck my hips up into his when he sucks a deep purple mark into my neck, causing stars to flash in my vision.

 

“Josh…”


	9. Dreaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gross

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Filler chapter, more real plot in chapter 10

“Oh god s’bad.” I say, looking in the mirror at the dark purple mark adorning my neck. Josh stood in the doorway with a guilty, but also somehow smug look on his face. I press a finger to it and a flash of heat spreads over my skin. I try to suppress the sound that comes from my throat, but I can’t effectively. Josh smirked to himself, enjoying what he did to me.

“Yep, it is. How are your parents going to react?” He’s so cocky, like a sour candy. I gazed back at the hickey, noticing that it was my own little galaxy. That’s exactly what it was, my own little piece of infinity to carry around. I wanted more of these, but more permanent ones. 

“Badly Jish. They don even wan me bein ‘round you. How are we gonna cover this?” Josh’s eyes fall, he doesn’t like the fact that my parents don’t like him, which is understandable. I have to hide this from them or they won’t let me around my summer day anymore. I need to be around my eternal sun that is Josh. God, I can’t stop thinking about him.

“Uh, you could take this.” Josh says, opening the medicine cabinet and handing me a little jar of flesh colored cream. “I use it to cover up my acne.” I didn’t even know Josh had any acne, that’s probably why. I put the little jar in my pocket and stand on my tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek, feeling the warm rush of a summer breeze.

<><><><>

“So your mother tells me you’ve been hanging out with someone called Josh recently? That you’ve snuck out? That you’ve skipped school?” My therapist has an endless stream of questions for me that I answer with simple nods and shakes of my head. I hate this man more than anything else, except maybe the cold. I don’t know why any of this concerns him, according to anyone else I’d just be a rebellious teen. I’m surprised that my parents aren’t happy that I’m acting ‘normal’ for once.

“Tyler you need to answer me.” My gaze snaps up to him. I suddenly become angry, upset with this man. I wanna push things off his desk, destroy the washed out office.

“I do not have to tell you anythin.” I growl, cracking my knuckles against the couch. I only wanted to talk to Josh anymore. The doctor wrote something down in his notepad, his pen scratching over the paper, making my hands twitch.

“Aggression, that’s new. Medication seems to be working, less apathetic, has interest in others.” He mumbles to himself, then looks up at me. I feel the heat of anger bubbling in my stomach, my fists clench. He can’t talk about me this way when I’m right here. He acts like I’m not even a person, like I can’t understand what he says. “You can go.” He doesn’t even finish his sentence before I’m off the couch and slamming the door behind me. I am seething.

My mother asks why I’m so red in the face, I don’t reply. I don’t wanna talk about it. We get in the car, and icy silence. “Can you drop me off here?” I ask when we pass Josh’s street. She gives me a strange look but doesn’t question it. Sometimes I make her drop me off in weird places if I don’t wanna be at home, I always come back, so it’s a good system. I leave the car and walk up to the powder pill house and take a deep breath. My phone vibrates in my pocket, I check it, it’s Josh. 

“Are you outside??” I giggle and type back a quick answer, asking if I can come upstairs. His bedroom window opens, he's grinning, waving a hand for me to come up. I open the front door and take he stairs two at a time, getting to his room in a matter of 15 seconds. 

Josh is sprawled on his bed, staring at the carefully arranged glow in the dark stars on his ceiling. He looks up, patting the bed beside him. He moves over, making space for me. I kick off my shoes and lay down next to him. My hands immediately finding there way into his. 

"Why such a sudden visit?" He asks, not looking at me, but at the corner of an Arctic Monkeys poser on his wall. I sigh, remember how upset I was. 

"My therapist was askin all these questions an he asked 'bout you. Then he was talkin like I wasn't even there, jus made me mad, thas all." I played with his fingers absentmindedly while I spoke, watching him focus his attention on me again. 

"I'm sorry Ty. Would a nap make you feel better?" Josh was almost as obsessed with naps as I was obsessed with him, which was really saying something. 

"Joshua Dun, a nap will always make m feel better." I say, stretching out my arms and curling into his chest. I feel content and warm, like I could sleep forever. He places a soft kiss on my forehead before wrapping his long arms around my waist, his body completely curved around my spine. 

So this is what it feels like to be wanted. 

<><><><>

I awoke to Josh churning in his sleep, letting out little sounds and breaths. He was dreaming, maybe a nightmare. His hat, still half on his head, was skewed. His fading cherry hair a curly mess. 

I wished I was still asleep, but being able to witness this was just as good. Josh kept making little faces, twitching his hands, and then his hips. He rutted into me, causing me to jump a little. I thought for a second, about his sounds, his movements, Josh was having a sex dream. 

"T-Tyler." He breathed out, rolling his hips again. I felt a pull in my stomach, he was dreaming about me. I've had a dream like that once before, funny enough it was actually about Josh. I woke up panting and needing to change my sweatpants. "Ahh." Josh moaned quietly and I turned to butter. 

His arms tightened around me, pulling me down into his torso. I would move, but he's so warm, I just wanna stay near him, even if he is having a perverted dream of me. His hips stutter forward again, pressing something hard into my bottom. Oh god. 

I flip around without moving too much as not to wake him, maybe it'll be better if he's not grinding into me from that angle, for both of us. We're face to face, Josh's hot breath fanning across the pillow and onto my face. Maybe I can wake him up and this awkwardness will all be over, but I don't know how. 

I lean forward and press a soft kiss to his cheek, no response but a heavy breath. I kiss the edge of his lips, then full on. He kisses back, starting to wake up. Before I know it he's awake and on top of me, his tongue swiping in and out of my mouth. We stay like this for a few minutes before he realizes his dream related 'problem'. 

"Uh, Um, I gotta take care of this. Sorry.." He pulls himself off of me, the cold latching itself into my skin immediately. He runs into the bathroom, pulling his shirt down over his lap. I hear the shower start. 

He returns a few minutes later with dripping wet hair and a towel around his waist. He's got this look on his face, like it's awkward to be around me. 

"How was that dream? Was I good?" I ask with a smirk, surprising myself with the witty remark. Clearly I surprised him as well since he has no idea how to respond, or at least that's what his face lead me to believe. 

"Yes." The blunt remark catches me off guard, I mean, it sounded like he was enjoying himself. "I wonder if you're like that in real life."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These just keep getting dirtier


	10. Chocolate and Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Big questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long. School is really freakin busy right now.

It smelled like sweat and plastic in here, hundreds of people having individual conversations. I felt like I was being crushed under the weight of the floodlights, but I wanted to be here for Josh. Tonight is the night of his big basketball game, if they win this, they win the championship. My school has other sports teams, but we take basketball very seriously. They’re on the court right now, the other team has the ball. I see Josh, his candy hair plastered to his forehead, a smirk on his lips.

 

5...4...3...2...1, the buzzer sounds, causing me to jump in my seat, but then cheer. They had won, Josh had scored the last basket, winning it for the team. Once everyone was done cheering, they slowly filed off of the bleachers and outside the school. Josh told me to wait by the car until he had changed so we could go somewhere to celebrate if they had won. A few minutes later Josh is walking toward the car, the biggest smile on his face. I jump into his arms and he spins me around, we both laugh, out eyes screwed shut. He places me back on the ground, slightly dizzy.

 

“Congrats Jish!” I say, giving him a quick peck on the cheek, but he grabs my waist, dips me, and places a soft kiss on my lips. I smile up at him, not really knowing what to feel right now.

 

“Thanks Ty. In celebration I think we should go get some ice cream.” His face is flushed red, his teeth showing in a grin that hasn’t left his cheeks. I nod enthusiastically. Josh takes my hands and pulls me along with him, I float beside him like a balloon. Full of hot air, high on Josh, and grinning like an idiot.

 

We arrive at the ice cream shop at dusk, the purple sky reflecting off of the bubblegum exterior. The same man from before is working behind the counter, his pink paper hat and red cheeks. Josh orders for us, but this time, I had brought my wallet, so I pay. We are celebrating his big win after all. We sit down with our hot fudge sundaes, a comfortable silence settling between us.

 

“Hey Ty?” Josh says, looking over to me. He has chocolate on his face.

 

“Yeah?” I smile, he’s such a dork, he has no idea the mess he’s made of himself. There’s whipped cream on his chin.

“Can I ask you something?” my chest goes tight. Those words have never resulted in anything good for me. A phantom chill spreads through my hands, coating them in a black haze. I can hear the static of rejection in the back of my head.

 

“S-sure.” My throat is trying to block me from speaking. A voice in my head is screaming that I shouldn’t do it. That I should just leave. That I shouldn’t let him answer, but then again, not knowing would kill me. He takes a breath, looking down at his hands. His eyes are red rimmed and opens his mouth to speak.

 

“Will you be my boyfriend?” it was like a tidal wave of relief, crashing down and washing away the haze on my hands that had been slowly creeping up my arms. The buzzing in my head ceases, I feel alive again, but I can’t speak. I stare silently at Josh, he’s starting to get worried.

 

All I can do is nod, my head bobbing sporadically, my hands twitching towards him. I let out a frustrated grunt wishing I could say something, anything to validate him. He pulls me into his chest, a shattered breath being released from his lungs. My throat clears of the haze, the blackness that was too stubborn to leave at first. “Are you ok Jish?” All I can see is ruby, even when my eyes are closed. 

 

“You just scared me there Ty, thought that I had scared you.” He chuckled, his face pressed into the side of my neck, his breathing sending gusts of summer air over my skin.

 

“M sorry Josh, it wouldn’ let me talk.” I murmured, tracing triangles into his shoulder with a brittle finger. I felt like chalk in his embrace, ready to snap at any moment, let him in on all my thoughts.

 

“What was that Ty? I didn’t quite hear you.” He let go of my, but kept my hands folded in his. He knows they get cold. I don’t feel like repeating myself, so I shrug and smile a little at him.

 

“Nothin important.” I say, grabbing my bubblegum spoon again, digging back into my melting sundae. Josh still had chocolate on his face, whipped cream on his nose, what a nerd. I smiled silently to myself. He was my nerd. I didn’t think I’d ever really care about this kinda stuff, but Josh came around and changed my mind. Something that people don’t often do.

 

<><><><>

 

` We were standing on my front patio, the outside light illuminating the scene of Josh saying goodnight. I didn’t want him to leave, every touch he placed on my body was like a mini July and I needed him to stay. The yellow light cast shadows on his face, making his cheeks look hollow and his eyes deep. “Jish, c’mere real quick.” I say, pulling on the collar of his shirt. He leaned down, a soft ‘yeah Ty?” falling from his mouth. 

 

I stand on my tiptoes and kiss him, swiping my tongue on his bottom lip, tasting the remains of the hot fudge left there from earlier. He starts to kiss me back, taking my attention away from the sweetness dancing through my brain. “Goodnight Jishua.” I whisper, breaking away from his lips and smirking. 

 

I step away from him, my hands dragging across his shirt before I give a wave, then shut the door. I can see him through the small windows on the door, he’s standing there with a dumbfounded expression on his face, and then a grin. I press my spine against the cold wooden frame, feeling the chills bringing me down from my summer high. I wait there until I hear his car pull from the driveway, then I pull myself up the stairs with a giant grin on my face. I don’t think I’ve felt this warm in years.


	11. Heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please remember to lock the door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been away for so long, school is crazy at the moment. I'll update more in the coming weeks

11

“Hey Tyler?” My brother says, knocking on the frame of my open bedroom door. It’s finally the weekend so everyone is home, the house is noisy, I tend to lock myself in my room or hang out with Josh on the weekends. My family gives me a headache. I look over to my brother, he’s waiting, not stepping inside.

 

“Yeah Zack?” I respond, looking back to my phone where a text from Josh pops up, asking if I’m busy. I put it aside for now.

 

“Who’s that guy I saw you with last night?” My heart stops for a second, then jump starts at double speed. I see black creeping up my fingers. Well I can’t tell him what was actually going on last night, because he’d tell my parents, and they can’t find out about this.

 

“A fren. I went t’ the game with him.” I feel kinda sick. I’ve never liked when people ask me questions, I have trouble answering. It’s like something doesn’t want me to speak.

 

“I saw him drop you off.” My eyes widen, My guts fall away beneath me, I am hollow. I can feel the freezing wind of winter whip through my head, my ears are cold. Gross. Gross. He saw a private moment between Josh and I, it’s not okay. “Tyler, are you gay?” My guts are replaced with bricks, I can feel them trying to burst through the skin on my back. The thought of my sexuality had never even crossed my mind. I shake my head. Josh is the first person I’ve ever been attracted to, so I wouldn’t know.

 

“No. Can you leave please?” I ask, looking at him again. I twitch my hands towards the door, pointing down the hallway. He nods, and leaves. I can finally breathe again. My phone buzzes for a second time, it’s Josh again. This time I can finally stomach to text him back, before I just felt too cold.

 

“Tyyyyyyy, I’m bored.” The text read, my name in capital letters. I smiled a little, the buzzing in my head lessening as I imagined his voice ringing in my ears. I pressed the FaceTime button on my screen. Usually I’m not one for phone calls, but this feels a little better since I’ll be able to see him. He picks up after two rings and I am greeted my his smiling face and bare chest. I’ve never seen him like this, glowing I mean. The light behind him illuminated the sweat on his shoulders. He’s sitting at his drumset, looking like an absolute angel.

 

“I-I… C-can I come over?” I stutter, feeling my face burn like a thousand suns. Heat has never made me feel uncomfortable before, but with angel in front of me, I feel the weight of… Something in my chest. Josh smirks at me, his eyebrows furrowing together. 

 

“Do you need me to come and get you?” He asks, his chocolate eyes just getting darker and darker. I don’t know what it is, but this darkness doesn’t scare me, I want to fall into it. Does it make sense to want to go swimming in someone’s eyes? Whatever, it makes sense to me.

 

“I can jus ride m bike.” I mumble, admiring how pure Josh looks right now. LIke the first day of summer. I also think about what he’s thinking about. About how impure his thoughts must be. I know him, I know he’s never had a tame idea in his life. He’s a sicko, but I honestly don’t want him to stop having those thoughts. 

 

“Are you sure? It’s pretty cold out. It is November Ty.” He fiddled with a drumstick, twirling it in his hand, the object swirling deftly between his fingertips. I thought about his fingers, moving that way in my mouth. I wanted to chew his fingernails, I wanted to run my tongue over the digits. I couldn’t do that now thought, I could do it sooner if I was on my bike and down the road.

 

“I’ll be fine. I’m hangin up now Jish. I’ll see you soon.” I clicked the red ‘end call’ button and shoved my phone into my hoodie pocket. I ran from my room, my sock-clad feet sliding on the hardwood of the hallway. I bolted downstairs and through the door to the garage. My bike with it’s chipping sky blue paint and worn seat, was waiting for me, propped against the wall looking rather apathetic. I opened the large garage doors and was on my way, rushing down the street. It would only take me five minutes to reach Josh’s house at this rate. Five minutes until summer was restored.

 

<><><><>

 

“Shhh, my parents are home.” Josh says as soon as I come through the door. “On Sundays they watch Law and Order and they don’t like people being over and making noise.” Josh points to the next room over where his parents are on the couch, fully engrossed in the show. They hadn’t noticed me come in. We go upstairs into Josh’s room, his summer filled bed and bean bag chairs greeting us with a warm silence.

 

Josh’s hand brushes my side, a river of goosebumps following the path of his fingers. I let out a small gasp as his body presses into my back, his lips ghosting at my neck. “This is what you wanted. I could tell on the phone. All you wanted was for me to touch you.” His lips press into the crook of my neck, waves of heat spreading through my veins. I hear the lock click on the door then I’m on the bed, Josh standing over me with heavy lidded eyes and a cocky smirk.

 

“Jishua…” I breathe, his lips coming down close to mine. He’s staring at me expectantly, needing me to finish my sentence. “J-Jishua kiss me.” He nods, ducking his head and connecting our lips. It’s like a shock and all I can see is white. I tangle my fingers through his hair under his hat, pulling him closer to me, as close as he can possibly get. He nips at my bottom lip, his sharp teeth gently pulling it away from me. I let out an obscene sound, a high whine in the back of my throat. He takes this opportunity to slide his tongue in my mouth, It’s loud, it’s wet, and it’s overstimulating.

 

“Josh Josh Josh Josh.” I babble, bucking my hips up into his. My jeans are tight in the front and I want them off. I need Josh to touch me. It seems he gets the memo because his hands slides down my side, his fingernails digging deep tracks in my flesh. He unbuttons my jeans while sucking a nebula of a mark into my neck, I have to close my eyes, it’s all too much.

 

The fabric of my constrictive jeans is down to my knees, then on the floor along with Josh’s basketball shorts, and then my shirt. Our skin sticks together, his hands sliding up and down my stomach, smearing around the sweat that has built up. Then we’re standing again, against the wall, the heat of his body radiating into mine. I’m drooling at this point, a thick rope of spit dripping down my chin.

 

“Mouth.” I sputter, not know what to say or how I’m going to say it. “I-I need you in m mouth Josh. Thas all I want.” My hands are twitching in his hair, pulling our lips together again, his tongue slipping between my teeth.

"Do whatever you want Ty." He replied his nose brushing mine in almost a tender way, like this was more than a hormone fueled sexual high. I kissed him again, slowly this time, savoring the way he tasted on the tip of my tongue. I continued to press light kisses down his neck and chest, sinking down onto my knees in front of him. Although I had never done anything like this before, I knew what to do. 

I could see the outline of it, through the thin material of his boxers, flushed against his stomach and waiting. Josh held his breath while I slipped the final layer of clothing down his legs. I felt a tightness in my chest, but not like a cold hand, more like my lungs vibrated with the thought of summer air. 

I took hold of Josh's member with a shaking hand, hesitant with my motions, testing the waters. As I looked with bated breath, I could hear Josh whispering profanities to himself under his breath. For some reason, I salivated at the very sight of the beast, wanting to taste.... feel, it in my mouth. 

I kissed up and down his length slowly, looking up at him, then back down. He was so pink and swollen, just begging for me to drool all over. 

 

“JOSH!” There’s a screech, a woman’s screech. It scares me so bad I end up convulsing on the floor, leaving Josh to cover himself up. I can’t feel my hands now and I refuse to look at whoever is at the door.

 

“Abigail! Oh jesus!” It’s one of his sisters. She walked in. Oh god, now people know. She’s surely going to tell Josh’s parents.

 

“God dammit Josh, you could at least lock your door before you do this shit ok?” I open my eyes to see her standing in the doorway with an uncomfortable expression on her face. I can understand why. It feels like ice in my chest when I realize that I know her from ceramics class. She knows me. Coming over was a bad idea. 

 

The door slams shut and Josh and I are left there with wide eyes and racing hearts. He starts to giggle, then is full on laughing, his eyes shut tight. Then I start to laugh, deep in my chest. We laugh until it hurts and he’s on the floor next to me.

 

“Let’s remember to lock the door next time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha gotcha. But for real, when I'm not in a pubic space I'll write real smut, I promise


	12. November sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where did the summer go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to focus less on Josh and Tyler's relationship right now and more focus on Tyler's relationship with himself. I think his character needs to be developed more instead of just being 'fixed' by Josh because that's not how mental illness works

“So Ty, your birthday is tomorrow.” Josh says, running his fingers through my hair. I hum in agreement, hearing Josh’s heartbeat through his chest. We’ve been laying in my bed for the past few hours, watching as the shadows shift across our bodies. It's warm in the November sun, sprawled in the duvet, our legs knitted together. It's bliss, so calm, so peaceful. I could stay this way forever, but sadly Josh has to go home at some point. 

"What do you say we go do something? You know, to celebrate." Josh's eyes look caramel in this light with little flecks of gold. His nose brushes mine, a soft smile on his face, his eyes crinkled at the corners. He looks so pretty right now, delicate and peachy. 

"I don know Jishua. I never really celebrate birthdays. Jus not somethin I pay attention to." I run a finger down his jaw, feeling the stubble left from days without shaving. 

"Then we gotta make this one special." He closes his eyes and stretches his back, a soft groan falling from between his lips. I hear a phone vibrate somewhere in the bed, neither of us go to check it, Josh just grabs me tighter. 

I roll over onto my stomach so I'm laying on him, I can see every little detail of his face, his high cheek bones, shining silver nose ring. I find my hands tracing over each thing as I think of it, Josh humming little words to me while I fidget. I lean up close to him and kiss him on the cheek, then the jaw. I peppered little pecks all over his face, deliberately avoiding where he really wanted me to kiss him. He made a pouty face when I pulled away, tightening his arms around me. 

"Come back here and kiss me you fool." I happily obliged, pressing my lips to his. His were warm and slightly chapped, tasting of his morning coffee and mint. Our mouths gently moved in sync like all the times they had before. Kissing Josh was a second nature now, I knew what he liked, he knows what I like. He made summer air fill my bones, the smell of fresh cut grass wafting through my brain. 

We broke apart for a second, just to take a breath. His eyes were almost closed, his mouth drawn up into a drunken smile. 

"Hey Josh?" I said, knowing what I was gonna say, and trying to stop myself, but I couldn't. The timing was perfect. 

"Yeah Ty?"

"I think I love you." The words tumbled from my brain like a bunch of bricks. It was ridiculous, but I felt that I did love him, with a warm feeling in my chest and summer in my hands. I knew that I really did, as cheesy as it sounds. 

"Really? I would say the same Tyler. I am in love with you." Josh looked at me fondly, a hand stroking at my hair. I think I turned a thousand shades of red that moment, my face feeling like an oven. Josh loved me, I loved Josh. Good lord this felt like a dream. 

I kissed him again, this time a little more desperate. My fingers lacing behind his neck and up into his hair. We physically could not be any closer, our bodies pressed together, tongues dancing sweetly against one another. I break away and bury my face into his chest, closing my eyes. Everything was just so calm, I could just sleep forever. 

 

My limbs started to feel heavy, like someone had tied weights to them and threw me into a river. I opened an eye and I could’ve sworn my skin was melting off, pooling over my bed and Josh, though it was probably just a dream.

 

<><><><>

 

Josh wasn’t in bed when I woke up, but his sweatshirt was still thrown over the end of the bed. The sun which I was gladly basking in, was replaced by cold silver moonlight. It always tripped me up when he wasn’t there when I woke up. Last thing I knew it was a mini August in my room, and then suddenly, it was winter again. I stretched, my back cracking, then I stood up, my feet barely responsive. I left my room, finding the house to be completely quiet. What time is it? How long did I sleep for? I go back into my room in search for my phone. 

 

I know I heard one of them vibrate before I fell asleep, but we didn’t check on them. I rummage through my bedsheets until I find it. The screen tells me it’s 3am, also that I have a text from Josh, sent at 12:00 on the dot.

 

“Happy birthday!” I smiled, tucking my phone back into my pocket. The darkness of my room hit me like a ton of bricks after the light of the screen went out. Sometimes I forgot how dark it became in the middle of the night. I just never really pay attention when I have something else on my mind, now I feel the cold grip of the lack of light around my throat. My feet were slipping, cracking through the wood panels of my floor. It was trying to take me.

 

I panic, stumbling away from the black pit forming in the floor. It backed me against the wall, trapping me like this was some sort of game. I didn’t know what it was, but it wanted me. It wanted to take my thoughts and remove me from myself. I didn’t want to go, I didn’t want to go. My hand flew up to my scarred over cheek feeling the remains of claw marks in my skin. That thing made me do it. I remember now, all those times I’ve hurt myself was because it was after me. The only way to make it go away was to give it a piece of myself.

 

I was terrified.

 

<><><><>

 

“Tyler, why are you on the floor?” I wake up to my mother’s voice, her hand nudging at my shoulder. I open my eyes to see the room filled with light, my curtain blowing in the wind from the open window. It’s freezing.

 

“I don know.” I mutter, stretching my legs out, then standing up, feeling a knot in my neck. I shut my window, sealing myself from the outside world. All I’m thinking about is last night. How the floor wasn’t there when I had fallen asleep. The wood planks resting there now don’t feel real, like they were decoys placed by that thing trying to capture me

 

“Well when you get dressed come downstairs. I made pancakes for your birthday.” She gives me a small smile and then she’s gone, my door shutting swiftly. I am alone again, which isn't good, since right now I don't particularly trust myself or this room. 

I throw on a t shirt, Josh's sweatshirt, and a pair of black jeans, finding an ice cream stain on the knee. I grumble to myself about it, then leave the room. The stairs today are extra creaky, each step earning me a loud groan. I was hoping to sneak downstairs and outside before anyone saw, or in this case, heard me, but no such luck. 

I am greeted by a chorus of 'happy birthdays' which I respond to with a quick thanks. A stack of pancakes rests on the counter, but I feel too nauseated to eat right now. My stomach just churns with even the slight thought of food. I grab a couple pancakes and shove them into a plastic bag, the material feeling greasy beneath the pads of my fingers. 

I wave goodbye to my family, telling them I have some ceramics stuff to do before school starts, but really I want to escape. Get away and not think about things for a while. Once I'm outside I cut around the back of the house, past the rusted swing set, and into the woods. I haven't been here in a while, the smell of pine needles and fresh soil almost feeling foreign in my nose. 

My tree. My lovely tree. An evergreen, so it still had its needles, the dark green standing out amongst silvers and dark brown. I grab onto the lowest beach, hoisting myself up into its high reaches. The bark scrapes under my fingernails, but I don't mind, I just love being back.


	13. Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A birthday gift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long! My school is putting on two plays and I'm doing tech for both so I've been VERY busy. This ones extra long as a reward for the wait

I’ve missed the smell of clay, the quiet noise of the pottery wheel, the almost silence of the ceramics studio. I haven’t been here in awhile and it’s starting to take it’s toll. My hands twitch much more frequently and I never know what to do with myself, two things sculpture can fix. I enter the studio and the teacher greets me with a smile

 

“Tyler! I haven’t seen you around in a while.” Her voice scares me, it’s loud, jarring. I nod at her, giving her a small smile back. I’m not one for talking to adults, I just kinda clam up. Couldn’t talk if I wanted to. 

I go over to the cupboard where they keep all the current protects and find mine tucked in the back. It has a plastic bag wrapped over it tightly, just how I left it. Today I need some quiet working time, just to sort out what happened the night before. I thought I was always gonna be okay since Josh was around, but I realized that's not true. 

After last night I realized that it's still out to get me, that cold darkness that I escape into the woods from. Josh can't fix that, Josh can't stop it. I take a few deep breaths, watching as my fingers curl unwillingly into the soft clay on the table. It's up to me to stop whatever it is from taking me. The ink that covers my hands, the icy grip at my neck whenever it's near. 

I think I should take some space from Josh. I think I need a break from his eternal summer, it just lulls me into a false sense of security. I still love Josh, this doesn't change that, but I can't depend on him anymore, I need to figure things out for myself. 

<><><><>

"Are we still going out later?" Josh asks, setting down his lunch try next to mine. I nod without saying anything, feeling the eyes of Josh's friends on me. I look down, not being able to say anything to them, even acknowledge that they're there. "Awesome, I know just the place." He puts his hand on my knee and I flinch away from him, his touch burning me. It's just like when we first met, his hesitant touches feeling like fire over my skin. Josh retracts his hand and gives me a worried look, I don't say anything. I just stare at the apple and slice of pizza on my tray. I don't feel like eating right now. 

It's having these other people around that's making me nervous. Those eyes are what makes Josh's hand blisteringly hot, what makes my stomach churn. But I can't leave, that would be strange of me to just take my tray and leave, even though that's what I desperately want to do. To make Josh happy, I tough it out, I stay, I take small bites of my food, fighting to hold it down. He casts me weary glances throughout the meal, I pretend not to notice. 

When we leave, Josh says goodbye to his friends, slapping them on the backs and teasing them. I give a small wave to this boy Brendon that waves at me first. He's the one that scares me the most, he's got these really intense eyebrows and tall hair. Even though I'm taller than him, he just seems larger than life. He's dating Pete's ex who's name is Sarah. 

Speaking of Pete, he doesn't really bother Josh anymore since he started hanging around Brendon. I guess everyone scared of him. I get lost in my thoughts as we walk down the hallway, Josh startling me when he grabs my hand. 

"Whatcha thinking about? You've been pretty quiet today. Is everything alright?" Josh looks worried, which is understandable, I have been acting weirder than usual. 

I shrug, not knowing anything to say that wouldn't worry him more. I don't want him to be concerned about me, I can manage without his help. "Jus tired I guess. I didn' sleep very well las night." That's true, but it's not all of the truth. I could tell him that my floor was falling away and something was trying to get at me, but he doesn't need to know about that. 

"You know you can tell me if anythings wrong, right Ty?" He says, giving me a warm smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners. God it's hard to keep my distance with this adorable creature looking out for me. 

"Thanks Jish, I really appreciate that." I squeeze his hand a little bit before letting go. "I gotta get to calc." I kiss him on the cheek quickly then leave for my classroom, feeling flustered and hot in the face. Even if I wanna be independent can I still want him around all the time?

<><><><>

Oh god, what do I wear? This is the first time I've had a planned 'date' with Josh and I wanna look nice. Just I don't know how nice I need to look. 

After about fifteen more minutes of looking I find a yellow sweatshirt in my closet, shoved in the back and covered in dust. I don't think I've worn this since I bought it. My mom said that I needed more color in my wardrobe, so I bought it to make her happy. 

I pull it over my head and grunt, I've never liked yellow. It's sickly, reminding me of chalk and gross cough medicine, but I really don't have anything else to wear. The fabric is making the skin on my arms feel weird, rough and scratchy. Whatever, I can deal with it. My phone beeps suddenly, making me squeak a bit in fright. Since when have I turned it off silent? I always have it like that since the noise always startles me half to death. 

It's a text from Josh, "hey u ready? better be since I'm at ur door." Already? He's early, like ten minutes early. I take a deep breath as I hear the front door open downstairs and my mother greeting him. She doesn’t know about us, but I assume she suspects since I spend most of my time with him.

 

“It’s good to see Tyler spending time with someone, he’s always been pretty quiet, you know? It’s hard for him to make friends.” I walk into the hall as she’s saying all this, my face is hot. Josh gives me a sympathetic look as my mother continues to speak, not knowing that I’m there. I clear my throat and she jumps. “Oh Tyler, I was just talking to your friend.” 

 

“I can see that. Jish do you wanna go?” I grab Josh by the arm and practically drag him through the door, wanting to leave my mother’s presence as soon a possible. I close the front door behind us and I let out the breath that I had been holding without even noticing.

 

“What was that all about?” Josh asks, opening the driver’s side car door. I get in on my side and sigh loudly. She didn’t have to tell him that I don’t have any other friends, I mean, he’s probably figured that out, but she didn’t have ti bring it up.

 

“My mom’s jus embarrassing.” That’s the least of it. “Where are we going?” I ask to change the subject. I’m also just wondering where Josh is taking us since he hasn’t mentioned that yet. He smiles to himself, casting a quick glance over at me before looking back at the road.

 

“Well you said something about loving the stars, so I thought I’d make a night out of it. We’re going to the new planetarium.” Josh’s right hand finds it’s way from the steering wheel onto my thigh, cherry red and sunflower yellow flashing through my head. The breath leaving my lungs was warm, the car seemed to fill with a late June heat, or maybe that was just me.

 

“That sounds great Jish.” The rest of the car ride is silent as Josh makes a few turns and looks for parking. We get to the planetarium and it isn’t what I expected at all, it’s a large white building, but round. In the top there’s a huge black circle, probably a massive telescope. Around the doors posters with the words ‘grand opening’ are plastered everywhere, printed with spaceships and astronauts.

 

I stayed silent through the doors, clinging to Josh’s arm like a nervous child. He got us tickets, then we were sent into a maze of hallways leading to the main observatory. Along the hallways were shelves filled space stuff like rocks from the moon and astronaut gear. We entered one room that was completely dark all except the tanks of glowing jellyfish. I gasped, pressing my hands and nose against the glass one one tank where a few jellyfish glowing red floated about. It was something about them that completely captured me, maybe it was the warm tone of their pattern or the enticing glow within the dark room.

 

“Jish can we take pictures?” I ask, tugging on the sleeve of his flannel. HE was at the next tank, admiring some little fish that had glowing white specks. He came over and leaned down, taking out his phone. 

 

“Hey, there the same color as my hair used to be.” He chuckled as I realized why I liked these ones so much. He snapped a few pictures then took my hand, leading me away from the tanks. “Ready to go in? I’m excited to see some stars.” I nod, feeling jitters well up in my stomach.  
We enter through the doors labelled ‘observatory’ and find ourselves in a large circular room with an extremely high ceiling. The only light source are the glowing arrows telling us where to go. Movie theater style seats like the room, all facing a center point in the room. We choose seats in the back away from the doors and sit down, a pair of headphones placed on the arm rest. I put on the headphones, the sounds of wind and a slight beeping greeting me. A woman’s quiet voice instructs you to ‘lean back your chair and enjoy the view.” I push with my feet on the ground and suddenly I’m facing up towards the ceiling. The lense of the telescope spans the entire room, filling my field of vision with nothing but stars.

 

It’s beautiful, surreal even. So many stars it would take a lifetime to count every single one. A comet shot past and I reached for Josh’s hand. “Did you see it? The shooting star?” I said, pointing to where it had been. Josh nodded, a slight smile creeping onto his face.

 

“Did you wish for anything?" He asked, tracing his thumb in a circle over the back of my hand. I did wish, this time I actually did. 

"Yeah, I did."

"What did you wish for?" 

"If I told you it won' come true." I looked away from him and back up to the sky, sighing deep in my chest. It felt kinda like I was floating, but only slightly. 

"Okay okay." 

<><><><>

"Did you have a good birthday Ty?" Josh asked, parking in my driveway back home. I shivered, a warmth heating my face from the inside out. 

"Yeah, yeah I did. Thanks Jishua." I mumbled, rubbing my fists into my eyes and yawning. I was sleepy and hot, feeling the weight of the stars like a blanket over my shoulders. 

"Well I best leave you here. Goodnight Tyler." I pulled myself from the car, smiling sleepily at him. I blew a kiss, he pretended to catch it, then I closed the door, leaving him in the darkness of the car. 

I've never had a better birthday, but now I have to go deal with myself, alone, in my room with the fall-away floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you guys feel about this one? Thoughts on Tyler taking a step back?


	14. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler realizes some things about his relationship with Josh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I was gone for a long time again. I left you guys on a cliffhanger so I'll update again soon

“It’s finally break!” Josh exclaims, grabbing my shoulders from behind. I chuckle, feeling relieved as well. Even though I never have much trouble in school, finals can be a drag. I’ve never really done well on big tests, the freak me out and then I forget everything. I hate the way school works, you cram everything for a test then you can forget it immediately after. They aren’t set on teaching us anything useful for the future.

 

“Wanna walk home with me?” I ask, Josh grabbing my hand and swinging it. He nods, his eyes crinkling at the corners. I can feel waves of heat rolling off of him, pushing summer through the biting winter air within a three foot radius. Today he’s lime green and sunflower yellow, and his bright sunshine hair agrees. I’ve never particularly liked yellow, but now I’m growing a new fondness for the shade. The white winter sun reflects off of his curls, making the color almost drip with gold. God, I could stare for hours, just coming up with new phrases to describe him with.

 

We passed over the patch of uneven pavement, I glanced at my hands, skin has healed over a small pebble lodged in my skin. I’ve never noticed it before now, and it’s probably not a good time to notice it since my fingers can’t help but try to dig it out. As Josh and I walk, the fingernails of my right hand press into my left palm. It stings, but I don’t mind, that pebble is bothering me more. I don’t notice a pothole in the sidewalk so my ankle rolls, I stumble, and Josh is laughing. I pick myself up, feeling a cold prick in my chest, like an icy hand lightly gripping my lungs. Everything seems to grey out, the sun not seeming as bright as it was. Josh didn’t mean to laugh, it was a reaction, it shouldn’t be making me feel this was, but it is and now I want him to leave.

 

“You okay Ty? You seemed to clam up once you fell in that pothole.” We’re stopped outside the gate to the picket fence that surrounds my front yard. I shake my head a little, my hands twitching away from his and into my pockets. I don’t feel like he should touch me right now, it would make everything even more grey than it already is, and I can’ tlive in a black and white world.

 

“M fine. I think you should go. Happy vacation Jish.” I don’t wait for him to reply before I’m closing the gate and walking to my front porch. I know he’s standing there with his mouth half open and his eyebrows cocked, that little confused look he always gives me when I do this. I steal a glance over my shoulder as I shut the door. His hair seems a little duller than I last left it. He just looks sad, but it’s too late for me to do anything about it. The door is shut, he’s walking down the street, his head down. I watch him through the sheer white curtains for a moment, somehow feeling worse than before. This is silly, I’m being silly. There’s no reason for me to be upset at him right now, but I can’t help it when everything goes grey, it's just like I can’t see anything anymore and I have to leave.

 

“Tyler, I’m glad you’re home. We’re going to the doctors for one of your visits.” My mother’s voice comes from the couch. She’s sitting there watching some game show I don’t know the name of. Our dog lays in her lap, asleep. Today I don’t feel like going to my therapist. He always asks me the same questions expecting different answers, but yet, he always gets the same ones. Maybe if he tried to help me instead of pumping me full of drugs that make me feel sick he’d get different results. I zone out, following my mom to the car, my eyes glazing over a world without much color. As we pull out of the driveway I see the swing set, it remains the same. Sun bleached red and pale blue cracking paint, revealing bubbles of rust underneath. I can almost smell the metallic tinge in the air as we drive down the street.

 

Suddenly, I’m sitting in my therapist’s office, feeling the peeling leather on the couch beneath my fingertips. My bitten nails are itching to claw at something, my feet tapping insistently at the carpeted floor.

 

“Did you hear me?” The doctor asks, his pen tapping at the clipboard in his lap. I hadn’t realised he was speaking, I wasn’t paying any sort of attention to him, or anything for that matter. I shake my head, he writes something down. I wish I could see what he says of me, what he thinks of me. I must seem like a lost cause to him, it seems like he’s given up on me.

 

“I asked if you’ve been maintaining social relationships.” I think about Josh, how I’ve been treating him as of late. He’s always there for me, always, and I treat him badly in return. I think about today, how he walked me home, away from his car, farther out of his way, and I just left him. God I take so much from him and give so little. Josh deserves better.

 

“I treat my only fren like shit.” I mumble, feeling those walls build up around my mind, not wanting to let anything else out. My throat closes up and I feel freezing, like I’m trapped in this concrete office. “I haveta go.” My mother is surprised to see me done with my session so early. I tell her we didn’t have much to talk about, which is a one sided answer. I didn’t have much to say, the doctor would probably say otherwise. I just need to get out of here. I just need to see Josh. I wanna tell him all the things I've been thinking and I wanna hear everything he's been thinking. I don't want one sided. I wanna be there for him as much as he's there for me. 

<><><><>

We get home and I sprint into the woods, ignoring my mothers questions of where I'm going. I run down the narrow trail I've made leading to my tree and I get there quickly, scaling its trunk with ease. I've always been good at climbing, even as a child I always beat the other kids to the top of the tree. Right now I don't have time to think about that, all I need to do is call Josh. I click the call button next to his name, seeing the blurred screen and options menu as I waited for him to pick up. It only took three rings before I hear his voice on the other end. 

"Hey Ty, what's up?" He didn't sound upset, he sounded normal. I thought I had upset him. 

"No time for talking now, come to the woods behind my house." I didn't give him a chance to reply before I pressed the red 'end call' button. 

Ten minutes later Josh was yelling for me at the edge of the woods. He sounded confused, which was understandable because I asked him to the edge of a dark forest without any explanation. I jumped down from a low branch of the tree and landed softly on the ground, the smell of old pine needles being brushed into my face. 

"Come with me." I said when I saw him, stretching out my hand for him to grab. He looked confused and almost nervous, but he took my hand anyway, lacing our fingers together. His yellow hair caught little specks of light coming from the trees, making him almost seem to glitter. I lead him through the pathway, the dried needles and soft soil making our footsteps almost silent. 

"Tyler what is going on?" We stopped in front of the tall, dark pine that was my tree and I took in a deep breath. 

"We need t climb this tree so I can tell you everythin I've been wanting to for a while now. I've been real crappy to you an I wanted to make it up."

"Why do we need to climb the tree?" I thought about this for a second because I hadn't even stopped myself to ask why. 

"B-because that's the only place blurry can't get me." That's what I've called the thing after me, blurry. That's what he is, a fuzzy darkness that makes me feel like I'm drowning in a freezing ocean. He pulls me down with black hands made of ice, staining my skin with ink and frostbite. 

"Who's Blurry?" Josh asks. 

"I'll explain it all when we're up there. Jus please trust me?" Josh gave me a concerned look, grabbed a branch, and starting climbing.


	15. Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler explains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I only listen to Self Titled while I write story. I think it gives it like, that kind of vibe.

15

Josh struggled to pull himself onto the last branch where I had already settled, my back against open winter air. It was cold out here, the breeze nipped at the tips of my ears but I barely cared. 

"So what did you want to tell me?" He asked, running a hand through the back of his lemonade hair. He looked nervous being up here, like he could fall any second. He really couldn't, his back was pressed tightly to the trunk, his knuckles tinted whited from how hard he was holding the branch. 

I struggled to find words, I had been so anxious to tell him everything but now that he was in front of me, I didn't know what to say. "Well.... I realized that I haven't been the best t you. I've been selfish, takin all tha support for you am not giving anythin back. I realized that you can't fix whatever's goin on up here." I gestured to my head, "I gotta accept that I haveta fix my own problems an not wait around for someone else t do it for me. M sorry Josh and I'm gonna be better to you because you deserve it." 

When I finally finished talking I realized that my eyes were watering like crazy, but it wasn't blacking out. Everything around me hummed with color, the shock of it almost pushing me from the tree. Then my gaze fixed on Josh, locking eyes with him. He still looked uncertain, his chocolate eyes washed with grey. 

"I still have one question for you..." he toyed with a piece of flaking bark, his fingernails scratching over the surface. I felt sick, I had no idea what he was gonna ask, and that frightened me. "Who's Blurry?" 

"You know sometimes when I get twitchy and cold?" He nodded, pressing his back into the tree. "Well thas when he's around. He's like a mist, like this black, cold cloud of ink. He wants t take me, I don know where, but if I'm happy, he goes away. Thas why I cling to you, 'ts because you make me happy. I haveta make myself happy though, if he's gonna go away forever." I felt my ability to speak coherently fading, if I said any more I'd probably be refused to muttering quietly. 

"Ty I wish you had told me sooner, then I would've been able to help sooner." Josh looked concerned, which made me nervous since people don't really care about me that much. 

"It's not really a thing that woulda come up in conversation ya know?" I shrugged, looking away from him. I felt like I might fall, I've never fallen out of this tree before, but I'm so dizzy. There was a jolt in my stomach and I grabbed on to Josh's hands for support. His hands were warm, so warm. The feeling pooled red in my vision, making my cheeks heat up. 

"C'mere." Josh has me move forward along the branch, my back pressing into his torso. He held me, his breath fanning hot on the nape of my neck. I always crave this, these little moments where everything is silent except for my heartbeat in my ears and the sound of Josh's breathing. 

"It's cold out here, wanna head inside?" Josh asks, pulling his balmy grey sweatshirt tighter around his shoulders. He's right, I can still feel the chill in my fingertips and the tops of my ears. We climb down the tree, Josh having a little more trouble than I. 

“M gonna introduce you t my mom.” I said as we made our way around the old swing set, it was a decision I had decided to make last night. She needed to know what was going on with me, well, at least some of what was going on. I opened the door and my mother greeted me, then saw Josh behind me. She looked confused, understandably so since I’ve never brought anyone home before.

“Hi Tyler, who's your friend?” She asked, throwing a dish towel over her shoulder. I turned back to look at Josh real quick, he nodded at me, telling me to say it. I couldn’t do anything but trust him, there was no way I could get out of this, I had to do it eventually. 

“Uh, this is Josh. He’s m boyfriend.” I let the words tumble from my tongue, the results of this a jumbled mess of slurred sounds. She heard me though since her eyes widened, her face paled. It’s like she never even thought of this possibility. Well to be fair, I hadn’t either until I met Josh. 

“Your boyfriend? How long has this been going on?” She leaned against the wall, her fingers twisting together and her feet tapping on the tiled floor. Josh looked uncomfortable, he braced himself against my shoulders, his fingernails digging slightly into my skin.

“I-I-... Uh, we..” I couldn’t get anymore words out, it was like there was a wooden ball in my throat, preventing me from breathing and talking. I felt light in the head, everything was spinning. My hand flew up to grab Josh’s, my fingers tightening around his. 

“A few months,” Josh said, giving me a worried look, “We met at school.” By now my mother had composed herself, but I was the one distraught. I stared off into space at nothing in particular. I felt strange, like this floaty shade of baby blue, something I had never felt before. It was like a combination of relief and dread, a foreign sense of tingling behind my ears.

“Well, I’m glad you told me. I’ll have to have a conversation with your dad and your siblings. You don’t have to spend the night here if you don’t want to.” I nodded with her words, looking up at Josh and silently asking him if I could stay over tonight. He smiled and told me to go gather my things. I felt like a child, but there wan’t really anything else I could do at this point. I walked up the stairs to my room, passing my brother’s room on the way. He wasn’t there, probably at his girlfriend’s house, he would’ve questioned my sullen mood anyway. I grabbed nothing but my phone charger and a pair of headphones. It’s not like I would need much anyways.

I came back downstairs to see my mother having a conversation with Josh at the dining room table. It looked serious, like my mother was lecturing him or something, which she probably was. She was most likely telling him all of the ‘oddities’ of my brain and all my weird little habits. He knew of these things, but not in depth, I had never told him my diagnosis.

“Ready to go Ty?” He asked, standing up from the table. The dim lighting cast shadows on his face, making him seem grey, his eyes deep set in their sockets. I said goodbye to my mom, closing the door behind me, shutting myself out from the warmth of my home. 

<><><><>

It was a few hours after I came out to my mom when it really sunk in. i could never go back to the time when she didn’t think of me strangely, like something other than normal. A pale green rose in my stomach, bubbling against my skin. Josh was playing video games in a bean bag on the floor while I huddled with my phone on his bed. The quiet sounds of the game blocked out the little voices that would whisper to me every once in while.

“Hey Josh?” I called, looking up at my phone with tired eyes. He paused his game and looked back at me, running a hand through his highlighter hair. I had a need for him to be near me, I wanted him to just hold me. I’ve really never had feelings like this until I met him.

“What is it Ty?” 

“M cold, c’mere.” I made grabby hands for him, then opened the blanket so he could climb in too. He turned of his game, leaving the TV screen at the option selection menu. He crawled into the bed, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me into his lap. I went from a cold grey to a sunshine yellow in a matter of seconds, something only he could do to me. It felt like forever since I wanted to be this close to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was kinda rushed and kinda short. I'm mega tired and mega busy but I wanna write more often. Have any thoughts? Leave a comment so I can make this story better. I read every comment and they all make my day :)


	16. Heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler gets close to Josh  
> (If you don't like smut maybe skip this one)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some smut for you guys since I haven't written any real stuff in this one and plus I just saw emotional roadshow and the Joshler is strong

16  
"Jish what movie is this?" I asked, pulling the blankets tighter around both our bodies. I laid on his chest, my legs tangled with his. I could hear is heartbeat, it was slow and steady, almost lulling me to sleep if it wasn't for the buzzing energy radiating from him. Maybe it was the electric yellow hair, or maybe how bright his eyes were, but I could tell he wasn't anywhere close to sleep. 

"Something lame. I put it in so we'd get bored and make out." He smirked while he talked, knowing that that would've worked. Violet rose in the back of my throat, pushing me toward him. 

"You coulda jus asked." I replied, my right hand finding its way to trace his jawline. He leaned forward, the arms wrapped around my waist pulling me closer. Our faces were an inch apart, his strong nose brushing the side of mine. The anticipation killed me, those bated breaths slowing my brain down to a crawl. We hadn't been this close in weeks and I missed it, his dark eyes, the softness of his hair. 

"Josh." I whispered, I needed him in that moment, a strong craving building in the back of my head, the violet pushing through my throat. He slowly moved again, our lips pressing together. It was like feeling the sun on your skin for the first time after a long winter, so warm and sweet that you never want it to end. 

His lips were chapped in a way that they weren't rough, just soft. They moved in sync with mine, my hands tangled in his hair. What started as something slow and caring turned into something messy and needy. Josh pulled me closer desperately, his tongue swiping at my bottom lip, requesting. I whined high in my throat, breaking away from him for a second. 

In the low light his eyes looked so dark, yet his face so mysterious and enticing.   
"Tyler..." He whispered, his hands dipping into the small of my back. I felt like putty wherever he touched me, like I could just melt into him. He kissed me again, licking into my mouth with a desperate sort of manner, like he couldn't get enough. I felt so warm, so drowsy as he kissed me, but I never wanted to fall asleep, I only wanted this. He broke away from my mouth only to plant messy, wet kisses down my jaw and neck. His lips hit a certain point beside my windpipe and I whined again, pulling on his hair. He started nipping at that spot on my throat, surely leaving a large dark bruise. I didn't care how it looked though, I just wanted more, they just felt so good. 

"Josh, Josh more.... I-I need it." I moaned, tugging on his shirt as his tongue ran over the sensitive skin on my neck. He flipped us over so he was on top, the weight of his body preventing me from moving. Josh smirked down at me, watching as I whined for him. His teeth grabbed at my bottom lip, tugging it away roughly, then before I knew it we were kissing again, our tongues slipping together. Even when we had done this before, it was never this intense, everything seemed heightened somehow, like all this violet made it more vivid. Something popped in my stomach and I let out an obscene noise, thick drool dripping down my chin. My jeans were unbearably tight, I wanted them off, I wanted Josh's hands down my boxers. 

"Fuck Tyler you looks so good right now." Josh said, running a thumb through through the drool on my lips. Suddenly that thumb was in my mouth, my tongue wrapping around it. His skin tasted like saltwater and sun, warmth dripping down my throat. I was captured by his every move, every touch, every breath. 

"J-Josh, how far are we gonna go?" I asked breathily, our faces an inch apart yet again. He pecked me on the lips and smiled softly. "As far as you wanna go. I don't want to pressure you." He had went from dominant and strong to loving in gentle in a matter of seconds, which I admired. Yet I couldn't think about that too deeply through the strain in my jeans and the desperate mess of my hands. 

"I need you," I said, not knowing where I was going with it, but before I could say anything more Josh rutted forward, his hips skidding against mine. A white hot flash ripped over my vision and I moaned, my nails scratching against his back. "D-do tha again." I sputtered, overstimulated in every possible way right now. Josh rolled his hips forward again, causing my back to arch off of the mattress involuntarily. 

I reached forward and undid the button of his jeans, pulling them down his legs, which he then kicked onto the floor. Then I undid mine, the cloth landing in a heap on the floor shortly after. With this layer of clothing gone we were just in our boxers, messily making out. My hand found its way to the bulge in Josh's shorts, slowly palming it. 

"Ahh, fuck Tyler." He moaned quietly, the sounds ringing in the back of my head. I pulled away the elastic of his boxers with one finger, then snapped it back, a cheeky grin following. "Oh yeah? You think that's funny?" He said, a smirk rising over his features. He smashed his lips to mine again, biting, licking, and making a hell of a mess. Drool fell in thick ropes between us, which I couldn't help but smear over his chin. One of his hands slipped down my side, grabbing a handful of my boxers on the way down. He pulled them off and I gasped, feeling the cold in the air around us. 

I felt almost vulnerable fully exposed in front of Josh, but at the same time I wouldn't trust anyone else with this moment. "Uh, I've never... Th-this is my first time... Please be gentle." I mumbled, crossing an arm over my chest. 

"Of course I'm gonna be gently Ty, I don't wanna hurt you. You're sure you want this?" Josh's hand was resting reassuringly on my cheek. I nodded, feeling a pulse of violet in my ears. 

"M sure." He leaned in and kissed me slowly, his lips were swollen and hot from the past hour we've been going at it, they're stained a cherry red, one color I miss. 

"I have to go get some things. I've been preparing." He broke away from me, the warmth of his skin leaving the bed. As he passed by the door he locked it, remember the last time we did something like this. Then he went into the bathroom for something, I heard him rummaging through drawers but I couldn't pay any more attention. I was so desperate, small whines leaving my throat every time I breathed, my hips rutting up into the air. I had never felt this needy before. 

"Found it!" Josh shouted from the bathroom. He walked back in with a small black box clutched in his hands, a grin on his face. He slipped off his boxers and climbed back into bed, pulling the grey duvet over us. The anticipation was agony, all I wanted was for him to touch me, but he was doing anything but that. He pulled the top off the box and threw it aside. 

"Wha's in there?" I asked, sitting up to look. Inside was a small bottle of liquid, a bunch of condoms from various companies, a switchblade, and a baggy of what smelled like weed. 

"These are just some of my private things." He mumbled, grabbing a condom and the small bottle, then placing the box on the floor. "Here, lay down and I'll you what I'm gonna do. Tell me if you're not comfortable ok?" I nodded in response, my heartbeat thrumming from under my ribs. He kneeled in between my legs, leaning over me. His face was red, his hair damp from sweat, his lips turned up into a small smile. 

He took the small bottle and opened the cap, pouring a generous amount onto two fingers. "This might be a little uncomfortable at first, but tell me if it really hurts ok?" He pressed a quick kiss to my lips before a hand spread my thighs apart. My arousal was swollen, red, and needy to a point where it almost hurt. I just needed to touch me. A cold finger prodded at my entrance, causing me to squeak and close my eyes. 

He pressed his first finger in slowly, it stung a little, but not enough to be that bright apple green. After I grew accustomed to that one, I told him he could add another. This time the stretch stung more, a green-yellow tinge taking over my vision. "Are you doing alright?" Josh asked, his voice scratchy in anticipation. I nodded, urging him to keep going. I loved how close he was, how warm he was, how connected we were. As Josh was scissoring his fingers back and forth, trying to stretch me out enough, he grazed a spot inside me that made me whine, pulling him closer by the arms around his neck. 

"Are you ready Ty? I don't wanna hurt you." Josh slipped those few digits out of me, the absence leaving me feeling cold. I nodded enthusiastically, feeling my hips straining forwards again. He wiped his fingers off on the blanket, then grabbed the condom from the bedside table. I closed my eyes, seeing nothing but violet through my eyelids. This was really happening. Something that I thought would never happen to me. 

Josh lined himself up, his freshly slicked tip pressing against my entrance. One of his hands was clasped with mine above my head, another steadied himself on my hip. He dipped down and kissed me hard, it was a desperate, messy kiss, teeth and tongues clashing against each other. 

"I love you Tyler, fuck I love you." He breathed, staring at me with his bottomless pit eyes. I kissed him again, but I felt him smiling against my lips. 

"I love you too Josh, so much. Now please go I'm too turned on to wait any longer." He nodded, then slowly started pushing his hips against mine. It stung, like an acrid green that made my eyes water. He felt much bigger than I thought he would, I almost couldn't handle it. When he finally bottomed out, he pulled away, then thrusters in again, a little faster this time. His lips were plastered to the side of my neck, sucking dark marks where there weren't any yet. 

Another flash of white across my vision and an intense shot of pleasure ripped through my body. I moaned out, my back arching, my hips grinding against his. "J-Josh, fuck." I said, his lips coming to greet mine yet again. He kept rutting into me slowly, the neon green being chased by a deep violet. He groaned, his fingernails scratching into my hips. 

"Faster please... Oh god." He complied to my request, speeding up his thrusts until the whole bed was creaking. I tasted raspberry in my throat as Josh went deeper, his tongue pushing between my lips to meet mine. It was all so much, as he repeatedly hit a bundle of nerves inside me, making me scream and my vision white out. 

"So good Ty, you're doing so well. You're making me feel so good." He growled, the movements of his hips becoming harder and faster with each one. 

"Jish, Jishua please touch me, need it." I moaned, holding onto him for dear life as he pounded away. I loved how he was completely in control, I loved how I felt like putty under him. He grabbed my length with one hand, pumping me in sync with his thrusts. "Ahh oh fuck." All I could do was moan and writhe while he brought me closer and closer to the edge. 

"Ty, I'm close, but I want you to come first." He panted, his voice sounding like melted gold. I opened my eyes to see that everything about him was gold right now. The way his sweat shined on his shoulders, his glowing hair. He was just gorgeous. It was all too much. Him, the pleasure, I just started sobbing. 

"Right there." Tears rolled down my cheeks making our kiss salty, "fuck keep going right there." He was hitting that bundle of nerves at just an angle where it would be only a matter of second until I finished. 

"Joshua, Joshua, Joshua." I screamed, coming in think ropes over my stomach. All my muscles tightened, but at the same time it felt like my body didn't even exist. Josh rutted into me a few more times before he was coming himself, "Tyler, baby, fuck." 

We stood still for a few moments, catching our breath and thinking over what had just happened. Josh pulled out, brushing the hair from his eyes. The violet in the edge of my vision faded to lavender. Tears still pooled in my eyes, but I ignored them, this wasn't a time for crying. Suddenly Josh had embraced me, his skin warmer than the hottest day in July. 

"God dammit Tyler, you really do things to me ya know? I've never wanted to stay close with someone like this before. I love you so much." He kissed my cheek before getting off of the bed. "I'm gonna grab us a towel to clean up, okay?" He left me alone for a few minutes when I realized that there wasn't a cold bone in my body. For once, Blurry wasn't around. I guess he didn't wanna see what just happened. Whatever, as long as he's gone right? 

I can't keep using Josh like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoooooo that was gross


	17. Drowsy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since when has Tyler liked that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been away for so long. I go to a crazy school and now I'm working but it's summer so hopefully I can update more frequently.

Josh dropped me off in the morning with a kiss on the cheek and a smile. I was in borrowed sweatpants and sweatshirt since my clothes were crumpled on the floor in his room. It seemed that the heat of last night followed me around, keeping Blurry at bay at least for now. I opened the front door, wincing at a maroon ache in my back, I was having trouble walking due to how rough (but not so much) Josh was last night. My father is sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of coffee and reading the Saturday paper, still in his pajamas. I didn’t say anything, but he noticed me anyway.

“Oh Ty, you’re home. How was your night bud?” he acted like everything was normal. Which maybe it was in his eyes, but I didn’t feel normal right now. I shrugged, feeling my face go slightly pink. My father had no idea what went down last night, but I kinda felt as if he did.

“Very mellow. We did homework an stuff. Stayed up kinda late watching Netflix through.” My hand scratched at my neck, trying in vain to cover the splatter of hickeys over my throat. I could tell he was questioning them, but he didn’t say anything regarding their presence.

“Am I ever going to meet to Josh?” He asked, taking a sip from his dark brewed coffee. I’ve never been a fan of it’s bitter taste , it just reminds me of the last day of summer vacation.

“He could come over for dinner sometime.” I mumbled, not liking the idea of Josh having to deal with my entire family at once. Short interactions with my mother are enough. My father stood up “That sounds like a great idea.” He clapped me on the back and went to sit on the couch, turning on last nights basketball game. I made my way up the stairs, a hot shower sounding like too good a deal to pass up at this particular moment. I went to my room first, chucking my phone on the bed and grabbing a towel from the floor. My room was a mess, but I couldn’t be bothered to clean, the clutter just made it harder for Blurry to make the floor fall away. I entered the bathroom to see the counter a mess with makeup. It was my sister, no doubt she had gone to a party last night. I sigh and ignore the mess, turning on the shower as hot as it will go. 

I’m sore, a maroon ache in my lower back, but it’s worth it. I step into the shower, the water is almost scalding and I can’t see due to steam, but it’s calming. I sink into the cold tiled wall, getting lost in my head. Thoughts of the previous night were floating amongst the steam, fading in and out of my vision. I wondered if Josh was thinking these things as well, if it had affected him as much as me. I smiled, a wave of deep magenta filling my mouth, it was sweet, the sickly sweet of decomposition, I wasn’t opposed to this, I quite liked it. There was such a contrast between the cold shower wall on my shoulder and the thoughts passing by me, it was almost a shock to the system. 

<><><><>

“Tyler, wake up, you’re going to be late!” There was a knocking on my bedroom door, waking me from an oddly colored dream in which I don’t remember the contents. I roll over and check my phone, seeing the time was 7:38, my mother (who was still knocking on the door) was correct, I’d be late.   
“Okay, okay, ‘m up.” I slur, feeling the joints in my back crack in citrine as I clamber out of my duvet. I stumble over to my mirror, avoiding stepping on sheets of paper and dirty clothes sprawled across the floor. I am grey from sleep, my eyes tinged red, my hair sticking up like duckfluff. The most noticeable thing by far were the scarlet hickies painted on my throat. I pulled my t shirt over my shoulder, revealing bite mark, dried blood still crusted around the indents. I smirked, knowing Josh would insist to see. 

Ten minutes later I stumble downstairs, ignoring my mother’s pleas for me to eat something for breakfast. Although hunger is clawing at my stomach, I don’t have time for it at the moment. I leave through the garage door, running a hand through by unbrushed hair and sighing. It was cold today, usual for late December, but I’m still not used to it. The handles of my bike hurt my hands as I rode down the street, a freezing wind biting at the tip of my nose. The ride to school wasn’t a long one, which I was grateful for as my fingers had gone numb before I reached the bike rack. As I walked into the main building the color of the lockers and carpet filled my head with a heavy grey blue, packed into my skull like clouds heavy with rain. I kept my head down as I walked to class, avoiding any kind of eye contact. Eye contact can cause aggression, I've learned that the hard way. 

After lunch I shuffle into my English class picking a seat at the back. A whisper behind my ears is telling me that I won’t be noticed here, that I shouldn’t draw any attention to myself. The room slowly fills, the sounds of blurred conversation between students stuffing up my chest to the point where I can’t breathe. If I try to leave, everyone will notice, but I can’t stay here while everyone talks at once, making a disorienting puddle of speech that I can’t handle. As the class begins, the room quiets down, but now whispers drill into my ears as people pass messages to each other. The door opens and someone comes in, head down with their stuff clutched tightly in their arms. 

“You’re late Brendon. Find a seat.” The teacher says sharply, turning back to the board to write down another equation I don’t understand. The person who was late, Brendon sits at an empty desk next to me, as that one along with the one at my other side are the only empty. People do what they can to keep away from me. I understand why, and I appreciate it. I’d rather not deal with anyone anyway.

“Psst.” A hiss comes at me from my right halfway through class. “Psst.” I turn to look at whoever is trying to get my attention. Brendon is looking at me, one hand running through his hair. I feel a surge of surprise flash through the back of my head. I’ve seen this boy around, leaning against the wall out back behind the school, clouds of heavy, pungent smoke flowing around him. He’s never with anyone, smoking by himself for what seems like days. I wonder why he’s talking to me, he never really talks to anyone, except maybe that Ryan kid he sits at lunch with.  
“M what?” I say, making feverish eye contact with the leather clad student. He smirked at me, his hand running through his hair, one of his fingers lingering at a roll of paper behind his ear. It’s surprising that teachers haven’t noticed the joint yet, it’s very obvious. 

“This class is boring, I’m bored, you look bored. Wanna go smoke?” He whispers, leaning in a little bit, that smirk widening into a full smile. I’m not a stranger when it comes to smoking. A few years ago my therapist recommended medical marijuana for my anxiety. My mother didn’t like the smell, I liked that it kept Blurry away for a little while. I nod to him and he gets up, telling me to wait a few minutes before following him.

I wait, then leave my seat along with my textbook and backpack. My hands claw at the back of my neck, the teacher probably thinks nothing of it as I leave classes frequently due to headaches. I exit the back set of double doors and round a corner, my hands tracing the cement between bricks, leaving my hands with a chalky feel. Brendon is leaning against the wall like always, a lighter in one hand, the joint in his mouth, the other hand shielding the small flame from open air. He looks over me and winks, taking a puff, the orange smelling smoke pouring from his lips. He hands it to me wordlessly and I take a deep drag, my throat burning, pushing cold from my body. 

“Damn, you’ve done this before haven’t you?” Brendon asks, giving me that crooked smirk that seems to be his signature. I chuckle a little, feeling a weight settle in my legs. “Doctors orders.” I say as he takes another puff, then hands it back to me. I feel as if me smoking is a strange sight, then I wonder if Josh would mind. I’m sure he’d be fine but anxiety begins to bite at my stomach. The next drag I take is desperate, like this is how I fight off all negativity. 

After about an hour, I am dizzy and about halfway stoned, joking with brendon. He’s actually a pretty cool guy. His outwards appearance puts people off, making me feel a little magenta in my fingertips, but now that I’ve talked with him, he’s just kinda goofy, the sky blue kind. We make plans to go get pizza this weekend, he’s invited me to bring Josh along as he’s bringing Ryan. I can’t help but wonder at their relationship. I wave goodbye as my phone vibrates in my pocket. I know it’s going to be Josh before I can even pick it up. He asks if I can meet up with him at his car, I respond with a kissing emoji. I feel so loose right now, like that steamy loose from the middle of a hot shower. I haven’t felt like this in a while and I find myself missing it even though I’m experiencing it right now. Must be the pot.

I get to the parking lot and see Josh’s bright yellow hair glinting in the afternoon sunlight. My face heats up and a smile melts onto my face as I walk over the pavement. I can feel every pebble under my shoe, which is weird, almost too stimulating. “Joshie!” I exclaimed, hugging him tightly.

He looks at me for a second then sniffs my hair. His nose wrinkles and then he chuckles slightly. “Hanging out with Brendon?” I can barely hear him as I’m too distracted my birds calling in nearby trees.

“He invited us for Pizza Friday night.”


	18. Purple tile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe a pizza shop bathroom isn't the best place for an impromptu blowjob

All I could hear was restaurant chatter and Ryan tapping his fingers on the plastic sheen table. I looked around, seeing happy families and Brendon mumbling something I didn't catch to Josh. It was nice that Brendon had invited us out to pizza, I just hadn't realized how over stimulated I'd be by the whole ordeal. I hadn't been contributing to the conversation much, I don't really know Ryan or Brendon so I can't seem to talk to them. Josh's hand has been on my thigh for the entire time, giving it a reassuring squeeze every once in a while. 

I tapped him on the shoulder, my fingers lingering on the fabric of his t shirt for a few seconds, taking in the warmth. "Yeah Ty?" He asked, his eyes flicking over to me. He had on that crooked half smile that showed his front teeth. 

"Too loud, m getting bite-y. Need t go somewhere." I stuttered, feeling my face heat up as Ryan gave an odd look in my direction. I never liked talking when I got like this. I couldn’t act like this in front of new people I was trying to be normal around. I could use some more friends and going somewhere right now, although odd, could save this opportunity. 

"Of course, lets go to the bathroom real quick, ok?" Josh grabbed my hand, briefly mentioning to the two sitting across from us what was going on. Brendon smiled and grabbed another slice of pizza, one of his hands slipping into Ryan's as they talked. Josh lead me into the bathroom, it was dark in there. A deep purple tile lining the walls and black linoleum for the floor, it was calm in here, much better than the bright dining room. 

"Can we go in there?" I pointed to the large stall in the corner, feeling a pull in my chest to the out of sight area. Josh nodded and pulled me in my by hand, locking the door behind him. I swiped my tongue over my bottom lip, my mouth suddenly feeling dry. My hands twitched towards Josh, reaching to grab handfuls of his shirt. 

"What did you want in here Ty?" Josh asked, the corners of his mouth turning up in a smirk. I ran my hands over his chest, feeling the softness of the fabric and the warmth of his skin. He took a few steps forward, pressing my back up against the plastic of the stall. 

"I need somethin away from people. I need you, only you. M feelin mouthy." I said, trying to explain my thoughts but only having mumbles come out. Josh smiled, taking off his black SnapBack and running a hand through his duck fluff hair. The yellow was fading but looked so soft in the dim light of the bathroom.

"Oh is that all?" He said, raising his eyebrows, his face coming closer to mine. I shrugged, feeling the pull of energy drawing me to him. All I wanted to do was kiss him, but he wanted to play a game. 

"You know what I want Jish, please just give it to me." I didn't know where this was coming from, but I liked it, just melting in Josh's hands. Josh let out an amused huff and kissed me slowly, his lips melding into mine. He hadn't shaved in a few days, leaving his chin covered in stubble.

His lips moved away from mine, mouthing wetly at my jaw and then neck. I whimpered as waves of violet and crimson spread through my brain. "Josh..." I whispered, my hands knotting into his hair, pulling him closer, "want you in my mouth" A swell of violet rose in my throat, one that reminded me of the other night. Josh’s eyes widened, his pupils adjusting to the change in light. His face was flushed, his hands pinning my body to his.

"Well I'm not stopping you." Josh said, his eyes blown wide in the dim light. I kissed him again, but not staying on his lips, but moving along his jaw and then down his chest. The last time we did this his sister had walked in on us due to him not having locked the door. This time though, I was sure to get my mouth on him. A spike of anxiety rushed through my stomach as I kneeled down and unzipped his jeans, eyeing the very prominent bulge resting on this thigh. 

“Oh fuck.” Josh whispered, staring down at me, one hand braced on the wall, the other curling into my hair. I pulled his pants and boxers down to his knees, his arousal slapping against the fabric. My mouth watered at the sight, a deep seated feeling of violet telling me to take it all. Honestly, I didn’t know where to start, there was just so much to do. “Tyler.” Josh panted, pulling on my hair tightly, “Do something.” as much as I wanted to fill his request, I wanted to toy with him how he toyed with me.

I started with my hand, wrapping my thin fingers around the base and squeezing slightly. Josh sucked in a breath and held it, his teeth digging into his bottom lip. I have him a few light stroked before bringing my lips up to the head. I hadn’t gotten this far last time, so I was running purely on instinct now, purely on what the violet told me to do. My tongue darted out and gave a quick lick, testing the waters and tasting the salt of precum leaking from Josh’s head.

“Fuck, baby boy, more please.” Josh gripped tighter on my hair, pulling it away from my scalp. As much as I liked hearing him beg, I couldn’t make myself wait any longer. I wrapped my lips around his cock, my tongue pushing the fold of his foreskin away so I could have easier access. How much could I take? He was a good 7.5 inches, almost too much for me to take Saturday night. I started to bob my head, swirling my tongue as I did so. Every once in awhile I’d glance up at Josh, his eyes scrunched, mouth opened wide.

Catching me off guard, Josh’s hips snapping forward, forcing his member into the back of my throat. I gagged, pulling my head away. Josh immediately reacted, crouching down with his hand on my back. “Oh god Tyler are you okay? I’m so sorry!” A tear snuck its way down my cheek, my throat burning ever so slightly.

“Do it again.” I say, letting more tears fall from my eyes. I liked the pain, I liked not being able to breathe and I wanted him to see that. “Ty are you sure?” Josh asked, running a hand through my hair, the other pressing his dripping cock into his thigh.

“Yes Josh.” I wiped the corner of my mouth of some drool that had accumulated. He stood back up, his back pressed into the textured plastic of the stall. I repositioned myself on my knees and took his head in my mouth again, swiping the precum away once again. “Okay Ty, you don’t have to do anything but breathe.” I looked back up at him, my tear wet lashes obscuring my vision. 

He started slow, now even filling my entire mouth. I could tell he was trying his best to ease my into it, but I just wanted him to feel good. Soon enough though I could barely breathe as he fucked my mouth, my nails clawing scratches into his thighs. With every thrust I felt him pulse in my throat, I knew he was close. 

“Fuck Tyler, just a few more. Oh god you’re doing so good.” He moaned, his hands as tight as ever on my hair. He thrust deeply, my nose pressed into the soft curls at the base of his dick. He lingered for a few seconds as he filled my throat with cum, whispering my name over and over. He pulled out, spit and cum dribbling down my chin. I stood up on weak knees, breathing heavy and feeling accomplished. Josh wraps me in a hug, kissing the top of my head.

“You did so damn good Tyler. Such a good boy. Ready to go back out for do you need a minute?” He lets go of me, smiling with tired eyes. I wipe my mouth and shuffle my hair back into place. “Let’s go, they’re prolly annoyed by now.” Josh and I left the bathroom, passing tables and patrons until we reached the booth that held Ryan and Brendon. They were talking quietly, one of Brendon’s hands in Ryan’s lap.

“Took y’all long enough. Next time you wanna suck each other off in the bathroom let us know first so we can get the bill in advance.” Brendon said, a smirk drifting across his face. My face flushed while Josh just nodded, giving my hand a squeeze.

“We’ve gotta go, stuff with my parents.” Ryan said, casting an uneasy glance at Brendon. I smiled through my embarrassment, thanking Brendon for the invite. We all split the bill and they leave in Ryan’s car, a plume of smoke trailing out the window.


	19. Shower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler realizes something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo im sorry ive been gone for so long. Finally want to write again. Also smut

19

I want to try more things. I want to try sushi, I want to travel, I want Josh to slice me up with a switchblade. Okay, maybe that last thing is a little weird, but ever since I decided to be happy and not use Josh for everything, Ive wanted to try so many things. I sit on my bed, a notebook in hand, I’ve decided to write everything down now, so I can share later. Sushi seems easy enough, traveling a little too much for me now, I still can’t deal with public transportation or loud noises. 

I stare out the window at the raging February wind blowing snow and dried leaving everywhere. Maybe I’ll write a song today, seems like the perfect day for something navy blue and somber. I get up off of my bed and grab the electric keyboard that sits in the corner of my desk. The plastic is cold in my hands, gleaming like surgical instruments. I love this thing, it allows me to express stuff that I can’t with words. I plug it into the wall and sit back against my pillows. For some reason, I don’t know where to start. The keys stare at me almost saying “you can’t.” I don’t know what they mean by this, I can’t what? 

I sit there for a few minutes, watching the keys as if they’ll start talking without me. Nothing happens, no ideas come into my head, my fingers don’t itch toward the pearly keys. I through the board to the side, running my hands through my hair, pulling at it tightly. 

I get out of my bed, feeling cold and antsy. My clothes feel like a million tiny fingers running over my skin and it’s torture. I begin to pull off my clothes in a panic, feeling slight relief from the crawling as they bunch up on the floor. I’m left standing in the middle of the room, completely naked and freezing. My hands jerk up to my face, apparently I’m crying since my cheeks are slick. I feel something watching me. The keys board? No, their stare feels much different. Then I notice it, black tendrils of ink reaching across the floor. He’s here, Blurry. He hasn’t been around in so long, I barely know how to deal with him. The only solution is Josh, but I can’t drag him into this. What would he think if he saw his boyfriend crouching in the middle of his bedroom, naked with the windows wide open? 

“LEAVE!” I shout, standing up so suddenly that my head swims. The ink retreats slightly, but keeps coming forward, more slowly this time. I wipe my face and turn to stare at Blurry, a black writhing mass in the corner. “I don’t need you. Get. Out.” I walk toward Blurry, cornering him. I feel the bitter cold radiation from him, but I don’t care. I thrust my hands out to push him, but they pass right through. Blurry isn’t there. 

<><><>

“Tyler?” I open my eyes slightly, confused and feeling drained. I’m laying on the floor at the foot of my bed. “Tyler are you okay?” 

Why is Josh here? He shouldn’t be here. I crane my neck to face him, my face scrunching at the bright light from my desk lamp. “Why are you here?” I croak out, my voice scratchy and barely there. Josh crouches down, a blanket in hand, laying it over me. 

“You called me. You sounded really upset so I came over as fast as I could.” I sit up and wrap the blanket tightly around my shoulders. Josh put his hand out, I grab it, feeling the shock of heat J haven’t felt all day, he pulls me up. 

“Thank you.” I whisper, wrapping my arms around his neck. All I need is to feel him, feel his warmth, the softness of his body to comfort me. He pets the back of my head, running his fingers through my hair. 

Ten minutes later and I’ve told Josh what happened, how Blurry wasn’t there, how he was never really there. “I’m glad that you figured that out, Ty, maybe he’ll never come back now.” His voice is soothing, thick like honey and just as sweet. We’re cuddled in my bed, wrapped in the grey duvet. Josh gave me his sweatshirt to put on. I’m still cold, even with his chest pressed against my back, usually the summer he carries around with him makes all the cold go, but I guess today is just bad. 

“Can we take a shower?” I ask, turning slightly so I can see him. He has his eyes closed and a slight smile on his pretty pink lips. I have a bathroom attached to my room. I got this room so I’d be able to have more privacy. It comes in handy sometimes. 

“Sure Ty.” We get up out of bed and wander into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door. It’s a little messy in here, but I don’t really care. I turn on the shower to it’s hottest setting. I turn around and Josh is stripping, his toned torso flexing as he took off his shirt. I look away for his modesty. “You can look if want, we’re gonna be in the shower together.” Josh has a smirk on his face, watching me as I remove the only thing I’m wearing, his sweatshirt. 

We step into the tub and Josh’s strong hands are immediately around my waist, pulling me into his chest. The hot water is soaking into my skin, it feels amazing. Josh looks down at me with his mocha eyes and smiles. God I love him. How was I so lucky? Josh turns us and presses me against the cold tile wall. “Can I kiss you?” He asks, his voice just a whisper. “Yes please.” 

He leans in and pressed his lips against mine, grabbing the sides of my face as he did so. It’s felt like so long since I last kissed him like this, he’s been so busy over winter break that we haven’t had time for intimacy. We continue to kiss, Josh’s tongue swiping along my bottom lip, asking for permission. I accept and our tongues are gliding together. Josh’s hands roam my body, down my sides, over my lower back. I sigh as he squeezes my ass, his blunt fingernails digging in slightly. His lips break away from mine and they attach to my neck. His earns him a low whine, begging him to bite into the soft skin below my jaw. 

“God you’re beautiful.” He whispers, his voice low and husky. I shiver runs down my spine at the words, I can feel my knees give out slightly. Josh peppers kisses down my chest, stopping below my collarbone to give me a harsh bite. I’m ashamed to admit that I let out a moan, tending my fingers over this shoulders. “Shh baby, your brother is in the next room.” I clamp a hand over my mouth as I know if I didn’t, I’d make too much noise. Josh sinks into his knees, looking up at me through his waterlogged eyelashes. The sight is beautiful. 

“May I?” He asks, nodding towards the obvious problem I have resting against my thigh. 

“Please.” I whisper, tangling my fingers into his hair. Josh swallows heavily and licks his lips. I wonder if he’s ever done this before. He wraps his hand around my base, squeezing slightly. I wait in bated breath as he prepares himself, stroking me a few times in the process. 

Very slowly his wraps his lips around the tip, flicking his tongue. I throw my head back against the wall, screwing my eyes shut. Josh swirls his tongue, taking more of me into his mouth. I’ve never really thought about it, but I’m definitely not small, Not as big as Josh though. I wonder how much he can take. He pulls off for a second, letting the drool drip slowly down his chin, it’s a jaw dropping sight. 

“I wanna try something.” He says, looking up at me with blown out eyes. “I want you to use me.” My eyebrows raise at his request. What does he mean? I think he can sense my confusion so he clarifies “Ty I want you to fuck my throat.” My breath catches in my chest. I didn’t think he’d ask for this. I nod, tightening my hands in his hair. 

He takes me into his mouth again, letting his tongue roam all over. He looks up at me and gives me a thumbs up. I thrust lightly, pushing my dick farther into his mouth. It’s so warm and wet. Josh lets his jaw go slack as I thrust father into his throat. I’ve never felt anything like this before, and it’s so good. I pull on his hair, picking up the pace, using him like he wants me to. 

“Fuck Josh, so good, you’re so good.” I say, letting out a breathy moan, forgetting the need to be quiet. His throat tightens around me shoving me toward the edge. “Oh god I’m close.” I push his head down to my base, his nose resting against my hips. I can tell he’s choking but I only need a few more seconds. I give one more thrust and I’m cumming down his throat, a string of profanities falling from my lips. Josh waits a second, then pulls off, a thick rope of spit attaching his mouth to my cock. The sight is fantastic. Josh stands up, wiping his mouth.

Suddenly he pushes me against the wall, his tongue shoving into my mouth. I can taste myself in our kiss, enjoying the the salt. We break away and he’s smiling, his lips wrecked, the tears on his cheeks being washed away by the water. 

There’s a loud banging on the door and I hear my brother. “IF YOURE GONNA BE NASTY AT LEAST BE QUIET.” My face turns a bright red as I realize he heard everything. 

“I told you so.” Josh smirks.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
